Running in Molasses

My job. Oh, where do I start? After 9 1/2 years, I have been laid off. My job has been outsourced.
I have three months to work and then will be let go with a couple months pay and some freedom.
I have accepted this. Yes, it sucks. Really though, it has become a place I don't really want to work at anymore anyway. It's a blessing in disguise.
Today, after I have entered all the pay increases for everyone else in the office. (yes, really, I was asked to do this) they send out an email announcing 5 promotions!
When did good taste and being appropriate go out of style? Was there no thought to the 10 people who have been canned? That zipped it up for me. It speaks volumes about the type of place it has become. Most people were mortified they did this publicly. The kicker was the first line of the email about how they want to celebrate their most valuable assett....their people. Really? Whose celebrating us?
Well, we decided to celebrate ourselves. I called a meeting. We will meet once a week and more if necessary to talk, vent, cry, yell, laugh, talk shit, whatever it takes to keep us going. I told my team they need to be able to hold their heads high when they walk out the doors. Conduct yourself in such a way, that there is nothing else to do. Go out with every ounce of dignity you can find. We all agreed. We also all agreed there will be cupcakes at our next meeting....

jb

Gran

Why is it when someone close to you dies you want to call them all the time? Gran died last week and I find myself saying "oh, I should call Granny and tell her that". Only I can't. I guess I had these feelings when she was alive too. I find myself missing her dearly. She was my mother in law for 13 years and my friend for 8. I'm not sure if it has really hit me yet.  I have listened to her son's sadness and my childrens sadness. I have my own sadness. Of course, the focus is on her children and grandchildren. They have lost the most. But, I have also lost. I have lost a woman who got me through many a things in my life. Her common sense and kind heart was open to me anytime I needed it. I needed it a lot. I need it now and she isn't here to give it to me. I can recall our last conversation. She did not want me to get off the phone. Everytime I told her I should let her go because she sounded tired, she would start a new topic. We spoke for 2 1/2 hours. Did she somehow know that would be our last conversation? Probably not. I have so many memories of her. She was such a force in all our lives. To each person I imagine she meant something different. To me, she was stability, common sense, and unconditional in her love for me.
There will be no more bags of useless stuff on my porch, no more messages on my machine where she is laughing so hard you can't make out what she's saying, so she calls back to say it all over again and she's still laughing so hard she finally gives up and hangs up mid sentence, no more words of advice, no more phone calls on Mother's Day, no more sharing of recovery, no more anything. And this makes me incredibly sad. She was an amazing woman and her kindness to me these past several years will stay in my heart. Her honesty and common sense were often interupted by her generous and loving heart.
May she be roaming free out there. Free of the pain she lived in. Free of the secrets she kept. May she just finally be free.

jb

The End of the Innocence...

It's never easy when someone dies. When that someone is 25 years old, it makes it even harder.
As a parent, I cannot imagine the agonizing grief that must bring. All the questions of could I have done more? When it comes to addiction, what more can you do? I don't have all the answers.
Today, my heart hurts for the two parents who are wrestling with these thoughts. The guilt, the questions, the blame, the anger, the confusion. It's all too much.
I have known many people in my life who have left this world due to a drug addiction. I remember one particulary painful memorial service of a girl I had known forever. I said to her brother, I am so sorry. His reply to me was "Well, when you live this life, what else can you expect?" There was never more truth in words.
Today, my thoughts go back to a more innocent time. A time where this child was a part of our lives. All the sleepovers, softball games, friendships, laughter, tears. It was all part of their youth. When did it go so horribly wrong? What was the defining moment that started the path of destruction? One really never knows.  I know my heart breaks when I think of her. I can hear her laughing. I can see her being goofy on the softball field.I can see her in her overalls and braids. I can see her standing in my living room with my daughter and two Portland Police Officers after a night of sneaking out the window. They were scared. So young.  We laughed about it much later.
When did it go from a night of being mischievous teenagers to this?
Many a night as a mom I have laid sleepless. Praying my phone wouldn't ring, but almost expecting it too. The innocence had been lost with my own child. I was scared and I felt helpless. It was a bad time. We all made it through. All but one.
My own child is always the most important thing in my life. Always. Today, I cried for her. I cried tears of gratitude that I still had her and I cried for the pain she feels of losing a peer. a friend.
And I cried for another child gone. There is no going back. It's over.
May there be a special place for those whose road turned on them. Whose lives became less of a choice. May there be a special place for those who have had to experience the pain and hell that is active addiction. It is the worse hell one can experience. If you're lucky enough to make it out alive, you are grateful. You cry and grieve for those who were not so fortunate.
Today, my heart is broken. Today innocence was lost. It's over. There is no going back for her.
But for the rest of us... our hearts are broken, but they keep on beating.

jb

My blog is still here. It hasn't been written in for a long time. I ran out of things to say. Besides, FB and twitter seemed to replace the everyday blog of everyday people.
I miss my blog, so I have come back to it. No one will read it, because really, who will take time to click on something that they actually have to take a minute or two to read? We have become such an instant gratitification society. Most people really don't care what you have to say unless you are someone of celebrity status or you are so hip and cool that they must keep up on your blog in order to feel hip and cool themselves. I am neither hip nor cool. Sorry.
What I am is a person who likes to jot down their thoughts or observations once in awhile. Sometimes it's utter crap, but once in awhile in might be interesting. Either way, it's helpful to me and right now I need all the help I can get.
jb

Resting the blog

Well, the blog is going into hibernation. I have run out of things to talk about.
So for now....................I'm giving it a rest. Maybe I will pick it up again at a later time.

TTFN

jb

Road Trip

I am going on a road trip in a couple weeks. Heading to Berkeley, Ca via San Jose.
I am totally freaked out about actually driving that far by myself. Not for safety reasons, but I just wonder if it will be the exciting journey I hope for or a miserable, endless drive down I-5.
I get almost sick to my stomach when I think about it. Why then am I going? because I must.
I believe everyone needs to do a road trip by themselves at least once. My opportunity came knocking, so my time is now.
I have a plan. Make it to Shasta on day one. This looks like a lovely place to stay the night. Get up early make it to San Jose day two. I hope to be at my hotel in Downtown San Jose by mid afternoon.
I will be at a Narcotics Anonymous convention for 3 days. I booked a lovely hotel room and hope this will be the connection I need with this whole recovery thing. This is part of why I must get there. I need to feel 8,000 recovering addicts around me for reasons I cannot explain.
I will go from there up to Berkely to stay with friends for a couple days. I hope to Bart over to San Francisco once or twice, check out Berkely, visit with my camp friends, and then head home.
This whole trip could go one of two ways. If I don't get my attitude in check, it will be a disaster.
I felt the same way last year before my trip and had a great time, so it will be ok.
This traveling alone is new to me. People at work talk about trips they took alone like it was nothing.(this very trip I am taking even) Why is it so much of something for me?
But I am going because I must.
jb