barn's burnt down...now I can see the moon

Running in Molasses

2011-07-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

My job. Oh, where do I start? After 9 1/2 years, I have been laid off. My job has been outsourced.
I have three months to work and then will be let go with a couple months pay and some freedom.
I have accepted this. Yes, it sucks. Really though, it has become a place I don't really want to work at anymore anyway. It's a blessing in disguise.
Today, after I have entered all the pay increases for everyone else in the office. (yes, really, I was asked to do this) they send out an email announcing 5 promotions!
When did good taste and being appropriate go out of style? Was there no thought to the 10 people who have been canned? That zipped it up for me. It speaks volumes about the type of place it has become. Most people were mortified they did this publicly. The kicker was the first line of the email about how they want to celebrate their most valuable assett....their people. Really? Whose celebrating us?
Well, we decided to celebrate ourselves. I called a meeting. We will meet once a week and more if necessary to talk, vent, cry, yell, laugh, talk shit, whatever it takes to keep us going. I told my team they need to be able to hold their heads high when they walk out the doors. Conduct yourself in such a way, that there is nothing else to do. Go out with every ounce of dignity you can find. We all agreed. We also all agreed there will be cupcakes at our next meeting....

jb

Gran

2011-07-05T18:29:00.000-07:00

Why is it when someone close to you dies you want to call them all the time? Gran died last week and I find myself saying "oh, I should call Granny and tell her that". Only I can't. I guess I had these feelings when she was alive too. I find myself missing her dearly. She was my mother in law for 13 years and my friend for 8. I'm not sure if it has really hit me yet. I have listened to her son's sadness and my childrens sadness. I have my own sadness. Of course, the focus is on her children and grandchildren. They have lost the most. But, I have also lost. I have lost a woman who got me through many a things in my life. Her common sense and kind heart was open to me anytime I needed it. I needed it a lot. I need it now and she isn't here to give it to me. I can recall our last conversation. She did not want me to get off the phone. Everytime I told her I should let her go because she sounded tired, she would start a new topic. We spoke for 2 1/2 hours. Did she somehow know that would be our last conversation? Probably not. I have so many memories of her. She was such a force in all our lives. To each person I imagine she meant something different. To me, she was stability, common sense, and unconditional in her love for me.
There will be no more bags of useless stuff on my porch, no more messages on my machine where she is laughing so hard you can't make out what she's saying, so she calls back to say it all over again and she's still laughing so hard she finally gives up and hangs up mid sentence, no more words of advice, no more phone calls on Mother's Day, no more sharing of recovery, no more anything. And this makes me incredibly sad. She was an amazing woman and her kindness to me these past several years will stay in my heart. Her honesty and common sense were often interupted by her generous and loving heart.
May she be roaming free out there. Free of the pain she lived in. Free of the secrets she kept. May she just finally be free.

jb

The End of the Innocence...

2011-05-31T19:09:00.000-07:00

It's never easy when someone dies. When that someone is 25 years old, it makes it even harder.
As a parent, I cannot imagine the agonizing grief that must bring. All the questions of could I have done more? When it comes to addiction, what more can you do? I don't have all the answers.
Today, my heart hurts for the two parents who are wrestling with these thoughts. The guilt, the questions, the blame, the anger, the confusion. It's all too much.
I have known many people in my life who have left this world due to a drug addiction. I remember one particulary painful memorial service of a girl I had known forever. I said to her brother, I am so sorry. His reply to me was "Well, when you live this life, what else can you expect?" There was never more truth in words.
Today, my thoughts go back to a more innocent time. A time where this child was a part of our lives. All the sleepovers, softball games, friendships, laughter, tears. It was all part of their youth. When did it go so horribly wrong? What was the defining moment that started the path of destruction? One really never knows. I know my heart breaks when I think of her. I can hear her laughing. I can see her being goofy on the softball field.I can see her in her overalls and braids. I can see her standing in my living room with my daughter and two Portland Police Officers after a night of sneaking out the window. They were scared. So young. We laughed about it much later.
When did it go from a night of being mischievous teenagers to this?
Many a night as a mom I have laid sleepless. Praying my phone wouldn't ring, but almost expecting it too. The innocence had been lost with my own child. I was scared and I felt helpless. It was a bad time. We all made it through. All but one.
My own child is always the most important thing in my life. Always. Today, I cried for her. I cried tears of gratitude that I still had her and I cried for the pain she feels of losing a peer. a friend.
And I cried for another child gone. There is no going back. It's over.
May there be a special place for those whose road turned on them. Whose lives became less of a choice. May there be a special place for those who have had to experience the pain and hell that is active addiction. It is the worse hell one can experience. If you're lucky enough to make it out alive, you are grateful. You cry and grieve for those who were not so fortunate.
Today, my heart is broken. Today innocence was lost. It's over. There is no going back for her.
But for the rest of us... our hearts are broken, but they keep on beating.

jb

2011-05-22T15:01:00.000-07:00

My blog is still here. It hasn't been written in for a long time. I ran out of things to say. Besides, FB and twitter seemed to replace the everyday blog of everyday people.
I miss my blog, so I have come back to it. No one will read it, because really, who will take time to click on something that they actually have to take a minute or two to read? We have become such an instant gratitification society. Most people really don't care what you have to say unless you are someone of celebrity status or you are so hip and cool that they must keep up on your blog in order to feel hip and cool themselves. I am neither hip nor cool. Sorry.
What I am is a person who likes to jot down their thoughts or observations once in awhile. Sometimes it's utter crap, but once in awhile in might be interesting. Either way, it's helpful to me and right now I need all the help I can get.
jb

Resting the blog

2009-04-01T18:07:00.000-07:00

Well, the blog is going into hibernation. I have run out of things to talk about.
So for now....................I'm giving it a rest. Maybe I will pick it up again at a later time.

TTFN

jb

Road Trip

2009-03-21T21:56:00.000-07:00

I am going on a road trip in a couple weeks. Heading to Berkeley, Ca via San Jose.
I am totally freaked out about actually driving that far by myself. Not for safety reasons, but I just wonder if it will be the exciting journey I hope for or a miserable, endless drive down I-5.
I get almost sick to my stomach when I think about it. Why then am I going? because I must.
I believe everyone needs to do a road trip by themselves at least once. My opportunity came knocking, so my time is now.
I have a plan. Make it to Shasta on day one. This looks like a lovely place to stay the night. Get up early make it to San Jose day two. I hope to be at my hotel in Downtown San Jose by mid afternoon.
I will be at a Narcotics Anonymous convention for 3 days. I booked a lovely hotel room and hope this will be the connection I need with this whole recovery thing. This is part of why I must get there. I need to feel 8,000 recovering addicts around me for reasons I cannot explain.
I will go from there up to Berkely to stay with friends for a couple days. I hope to Bart over to San Francisco once or twice, check out Berkely, visit with my camp friends, and then head home.
This whole trip could go one of two ways. If I don't get my attitude in check, it will be a disaster.
I felt the same way last year before my trip and had a great time, so it will be ok.
This traveling alone is new to me. People at work talk about trips they took alone like it was nothing.(this very trip I am taking even) Why is it so much of something for me?
But I am going because I must.
jb

Searching for the answers...

2009-03-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

It's odd how you can think something or be told the same thing over and over and the light dosn't really go on.
Then someone different will come along and say pretty much the same thing and the light goes on.
There's a saying in recovery, Is it odd or is it God?
The struggle has been going on with me for some time about believing in a power greater than myself. Some call it God, some call it a Force, some call it the Universe. Whatever "it" is, I have been struggling with my faith in it.
Then, along comes the words from an unlikely source and the light comes on.
Is that Odd or is that God? I don't claim to know. But I may have a different perspective about this whole Higher Power thing.
My thinking has been a bit toxic. I try to rationalize my lack of faith but I am counteracted with words of widsom from another human being. Whether this person is right or not, no one really knows.
People spend years searching the unanswered questions of the universe. Many theories are out there and many philosophies have been presented.
I have to believe what makes sense to me and for along time none of it made sense.
I still have unanswered questions about the whole God thing but at least I feel less toxic today.
People who have faith are usually happier, more content people. Whether something is out there or not, I think believing is far easier than not believing.
jb

The most awesome bike ever...

2009-02-20T17:12:00.001-08:00

I went to visit my father today. Normally not something that brightens my day given he is "just sitting around waiting to die."
However, today's visit was good. I took lunch to assure he would eat at least once today. The biggest treat though was his latest purchase. He bought himself a vintage Schwinn bicycle. This bike was made in the 1940's and was the most awesome bike I have ever seen. While viewing this awesome bike I got the story of why he bought it.
When he was 9 years old, he wanted a bike just like this.The price was 29.99. His father told him to buy a cheaper one and learn how to ride and then buy the one he wanted later. Well, he bought the cheaper one (with his own money I might add) and then of course the second purchase never happened because I think his dad was an ass. All his life he has wanted that bike. I heard stories of how he used to ride his bike all over Portland as he had two paper routes and on top of that riding his bike was his life.
I heard all the places he rode and what the weather was like etc. My dad was a bike riding fool back in the day.
But yet, he never got that one awesome bike he wanted.
Well, he is 70 some odd years old and now has the bike!(price went up from 29.99 to 1500.00) It is parked in his dining room where it will remain until he dies I'm sure.
My dad cannot ride a bike anymore. But I can! I was allowed to take it out for a spin. I cannot tell you how awesome this bike is. It weighs about 800 lbs to start with and a seat the size of Missouri. It is called a paper carrier as it was made for paper routes and the weight of all the newspapers. It rode like a cadilac. The best thing though was it has this string you pull which causes this thing to rub against the spokes and the output is a "siren" that sounds like a clackety, loud, bell.A very loud, happy sound. As I rode around the neighborhood I pulled that siren and decided it was the best bike ride I had in a long time. The whole time in my head I am giving my father's father the finger. Take that! Whose got the bike now?
I am sad my father cannot actually ride the bike. Age has not been kind to my father. But I have decided at some point my brother and I will go over there and get him on it and somehow help him to take it for a spin. (with our fingers on 911) He deserves not only to have the bike, but to ride it at least once and pull that damn siren for all to hear. A childhood dream that must come true.
Every once in a while I learn something about my father that touches my heart. It's not often because he's normally a pretty grumpy old man. But today I got a glimpse of another side to him.
Today, I rode that bike for him.

jb

The Geek Squad....sucks

2009-02-15T17:56:00.001-08:00

Well, my laptop finally died. Windows 98 is but a fond memory to me now. The bad thing is when it died, it died. I cannot retrieve anything from it. Well, I could pay the Geek Squad 100 bucks to do it. I figure there is nothing on there that I can't live without. I hate the Geek Squad. I bought a new computer. Seems all new computers come with a bunch of junk on them that you don't want. In comes the Geek Squad... they will remove it for you!! They will optimize your computer, remove the junk and install virus protection. Wow... what a scam. But of course I paid it. What else you gonna do?
Windows Vista sucks. I can't find anything.
However, it is nice to have a computer that actually will bring up a website. This is quite a treat for me.
Things are just way more complicated than they need to be. And don't ask the Geek Squad to explain anything. They will talk a hundred miles a minute as if they are so damn busy they can't be bothered by you, and they are kinda snippy about it. the Geek Squad are asses and they really are a bunch of Geeks.
All my e-mail addresses are gone. It will be like Christmas Cards. If you send me an e-mail than I will have your address to write back. If you don't, then I must not really need your address anyway and that will end our one sided e-mail affair.
It's a new era for me. New car, digital camera, new phone, and now a new computer. I'm almost in this century.
I like being old school better. It was easier.
jb

The comforts of our lives...

2009-02-01T10:04:00.000-08:00

It came up in conversation yesterday that we don't realize how comfortable our lives really are.
The daily trips to Starbucks to buy the 3.95 cup of coffee is just part of what I do. It's not a treat I give myself, it's just routine.
As times get tougher, and I see people I care about being affected by lay offs and my own job security hanging by a thread, I am examing what is necessary and what is not.
Can I live without cable? What would life be like without channel 55 or CNN? Of course I can live without it, I just don't want to.
Starbucks, cable, expensive face soap, heat blasting at 70 non stop. These are all things I can live without. And I just may have to at some point.
At this point I am still able to have these things, but only ponder their absence.
I have a vacation coming up. It will consist of going to Portland art Museum, maybe a day trip to Mult. Falls, an afternoon at Powells. Yes, I would rather fly down to California to visit friends, but that would be irresponsible to myself right now.
We are all going to be forced to live simpler whether due to losing a job, or the fear that we will.
I think we are all going to discover just how much we can live without and may even find some forgotten things we love to do.
I"m thinking the kitchen table will come back to life for many families. Egg salad will replace oven roasted turkey sandwiches and monopoly will replace a night out. This could definetely have an upside.
jb

Cravings...

2009-01-25T10:17:00.000-08:00

I hate it when I am craving something and once I finally get it, it dissapoints me.
Take Chines food... I have been craving it for days. I finally had some and all I did was feel sick after I ate it.
Biscuits and gravy, same thing. I had some last night and they were bad. Very dissapointing.
I must get myself to better restaurants.

jb

Hope reigns...

2009-01-19T17:54:00.000-08:00

Today is the last day George W. Bush is our President. I couldn't be happier.
Tomorrow, Hope reigns.
Barack Obama will be sworn in as our President and I am estatic. It is amazing to me what is happening. The millions of people who have gathered in DC is absolutely incredible. Now, I know some people just love being a part of anything, but most people are there because this is such an amazing moment they can't imagine not being there.
I know President Obama will not be perfect. I know he will do things and pass things I won't agree with, but today, I am so full of hope. He has united us as no one ever has. He makes American's want to do their part. We are proud to do our part!
I hope this lasts. I've seen Americans ban together before and then as life moves on, people forget.
Tonight, I am full of hope that we don't forget. I am full of hope that President Obama will stay true to his words to us.
The nation needs to celebrate tomorrow. We owe it to ourselves, and we owe it to our President.
The work can come later, Tomorrow is a day for nothing but happiness and hope.
It really is a new day......
jb

Good-bye to the Subaru

2009-01-09T18:48:00.001-08:00

I think my very first blog was about my subaru window. That was so long ago.
Well, the Subaru is gone now. I sold it yesterday. Since I now have a new car there was no need for it. It was a good car. But I have to say, after driving the new car for a few days and jumping back into the Subaru, I was like "really? was I driving this thing for the last five years?"
The Subaru lacked sunvisors. This became a joke to those that know me. The new car has two perfect sunvisors!
The Subaru served me well, but I gotta say, since it was pegged as the divorce car in the beginning, I am glad it is gone.
I think I am weird, because I had an actual conversation with the car. I told it there was a new car in the driveway and not to be sad. I told it, it was a good car, but it was time for someone else to give it life for awhile.
Who has conversations with their car?
Well, I guess I do. But, at least this blog does not end with "and....she cried"
jb

A look back...

2009-01-01T11:17:00.000-08:00

Usually I am happy to end the old year and begin a new. I have to say, 2008 wasn't too bad for me. Looking back, alot of good things happened.
I took a fantastic vacation to DC, NY and MD. My first trip by myself and it was good.
Two new babies were born and added to the family. Both are healthy and cute as can be.
I made some new friends and strengthened some old friendships. My goal this past year was to focus on friends. I did this. I added some new friends to the circle and they have proven to be delightful additions to my life. I have learned from all of them.
I had another year at camp and my love and admiration for my camp friends grew ten fold this year. I cannot put into words what these people have done for my life only to say, they make me want to be a better person and gave me the belief that there are really, really, amazing people in this world.
I fell in love. Not quite how I hoped it would happen, but it happened. It taught me, one , that I am capable, and two, that saying Good bye, while painful, is not always the end of the world. While it was a love not meant to go beyond the realization of it, this person holds a piece of me that no one else has. He has no idea what his mere existence in my life did for me. I cherish the memories and I am grateful our path's crossed.
Barak Obama was voted in President. One of the best things that happened in 2008. A night I will never forget.
There were camping trips, softball games, dinners out, cancer scares, and in the end it all turned out to prove to me that friends were the theme of my year. They provided fun, strength, love, growth, courage and a security I did not have prior.
The year wrapped up with a snow storm that tested my patience and my will and I learned I do not do alone well.
I bought a newer car for myself. A decison made wisely and without regret.
Today, when I woke up I realized 2008 really was a good year for me.
It has been a year of growth for me in many ways. I let go of some things, and gained alot in the process.
I am grateful. I have 18 years clean today, a new car to hop in and for the first time in a long time a look back at the previous year with a smile on my face and gratitude for those who shared it with me.
Happy New Year!
jb

Must get out....

2008-12-27T09:20:00.000-08:00

It feels as if I will never leave my house again. While the snow is melting, my car is still dead. It is beyond a dead batterie. It starts when jumped, but then won't start later.
This has been the worst experience I have had in a long time. Being stuck in this house by myself is hell.
All gratitude for heat, food etc is long gone. Yes, it could be worse but I don't care.
I have two cars I want to go look at today. I am at the mercy of my son who claims he can come get me this afternoon. I pray one of the cars works out and I can drive home.
I would imagine at this point, a trip to Fred Meyers by myself in a car would feel like a trip to Paris.
jb

Holy Crap

2008-12-23T18:39:00.000-08:00

This has been a challenging situation. First I am trapped downtown for two days... then I finally make it home today and I am so happy until I see my house. It is buried. My car is buried. Being gone for two days and no shoveling taking place it is a disaster. I feel like a caged animal. I finally broke down today.....and she cried.
How will I get to Christmas with my grandkids? Well, I have decided I will. One way or another. I am going to wake up early, shovel my driveway, and find a way to get a bus or a ride over there. I just have to.
I have spent alot of time with people at work. This has been weird. I feel like Christmas allready happened and I missed it. It has been me and my co workers for days. Troupers, every one of them.
There have been some good things happening though. My friend gave his partner a diamond ring yesterday while they were walking in the snow. This is the diamond ring I hid in my house for him for a few weeks. I found this quite romantic and I was happy for them.
This same friend called to check on me today. I was very grateful, as he was the only one that did today. Well, him and one other person, but that is another story.
It has altered people's pre Christmas time. Less shopping, more time spent with people. This isn't all bad I guess.
People are durable. We do what we have to do.
More snow tonight they say. I can't stand it. But tomorrow, I will start shoveling and I will find a way to Christmas Eve. Eventually the snow will melt and we will all remember December 2008 and maybe there will be some good memories involved. Either way, it is what it is and quite frankly, it is a big pain in the ass.
Merry Christmas Everyone!
jb

Cabin Fever

2008-12-20T17:35:00.000-08:00

Allright. I have had enough. I must get out of my house. I am starting to pace and this is not good.
Tomorrow, I am heading to the Governor hotel for the night. My work's way of assuring we make it in Monday to get payroll done.
My boss just called and said, maybe you should go tonight, I"ll pay for the room. I'm like "are you kidding me?" I can't even make it to my mailbox. I assured her I will get there in the light of day tomorrow.
Until then, I am pacing. I must get out... and there is no way out.
I'm just waiting for bedtime so I can fall asleep and end the boredom.
I hope to dream of summer..........
jb

Ghosts of Christmas Past...

2008-12-06T15:32:00.001-08:00

We have adopted two families at work....
I don't think too often about the days when I was getting loaded. I have been clean for almost 18 years and as the years roll by that part of my life gets dimmer.
This year though, I am remembering things I havn't thought of in along time. I picked food items off of the giving tree from work. This made me remember when I used to have to go and get food boxes myself. I had a husband and a small child and I was getting loaded all the time and there was never enough food. I would go to this place called the Kerr Center and they would give me cheese, milk, eggs etc. I was always a little humuliated. But today, I know it is just part of my story. I was a drug addict who didn't have enough money for both drugs and healthy food, hence the food boxes.
The first year after my daughters dad left (rather handcuffed and removed from my house), I was alone with a four year old. I had a job, but things wern't good and at that time, I was drinking like a fish. A young girl I worked with at Fred Meyers collected money and went and bought my daughter a bunch of toys for Christmas. Things I could not provide. I don't know why I had forgotten about that until this year, but I am overwhelmed by her kindness some 19 years later.
Today, I don't need food boxes, and I can buy gifts for my children. It seems like a small thing, but when you come from where I came from, it is no small thing. My gratitude has kicked in.
I have decided this year to reclaim my Chrismases. A Holiday I love. The last few have been extremely tough. It was just something I had to get through. As I remember where I was 18 years ago and where I am today, I need to participate. So, I am. I am reclaiming this damn Holiday. Going through the boxes that I did not want to open was emotional. All those memories from Christmas's past. I unwrapped items one by one. Some of them, I had to just wrap back up. The tears came.
But I let them come. The only way out is through.
My tree is up and decorated. I have walked through it and it is ok. My tree is pretty and it is mine.
Today, I do not have to go get a food box, or take gifts from others. Today, I can give back what was so freely given to me. I owe it to the people who helped me and to many others to be grateful and to participate in my own life, because today I can.
jb

Friendships...

2008-11-30T11:00:00.000-08:00

Getting to know a friend from camp outside of camp is quite interesting. I have known my one friend for four camp years. In reality that is four weeks and the few days you see each other throughout the year. You'd be amazed how close you get at camp. We are each others support and lifeline. But some of the details don't always get discovered at camp.
Yesterday, I went to breakfast with my friend from Camp. He is the person who holds me together and has become an extremely important person in my life.
We made a pact to get together bi weekly throughout the year. We are failing, but yesterday we managed to hook up.
Over breakfast I learned he grew up a Jehovah Witness. Who knew? (this made me immedietely want to go buy him a Christmas present.)
Conversations unfolded and I found it quite delightful to be learning more about this person.
He shared a bit of information that took me quite by surprise, but the more I think of it , not really. Was there really hope for the females in his life? I pondered this intently throughout the day. Trust me.
We looked at wedding dresses, he helped me pick out socks at the gap, we got free cologne at Nordstroms, and bought outfits for his little niece. We discovered, much to our delight, that Benny and Joon is our favorite Johny Depp movie.
We decided while in the pirate store, that we are going to go to Disneyland together.
I just found it to be the perfect day. Getting to know someone you allready knew so well.
Loving that person more than you allready did. Truly a good day.

jb

It's all for the good of the journey...

2008-11-19T17:40:00.000-08:00

I read in my daily mediation book that no meeting of two people is by chance.
The basic message was the universe puts people in your life and there is always a purpose. The purpose may be small; saying hi to someone on the street and having them say hi back might make you pause long enough to think "that was nice". The purpose might have just been to give you one good thought for the day.
Or it could be big;some people teach us how to love, or lead us to a great job. Eerything is part of your life journey whether small or large. Events unfold and sometimes we don't know why until much later.
If I wouldn't have ended up divorced, I wouldn't have been looking for something to keep me from dying of misery, which led me to search out volunteer work, which led to me to Camp Starlight which changed my life in such a huge way. Had I still been married I never would have met the huge community of people that have become such a great part of my life and I would never have met the lifeguard from camp. Which is what started me thinking on this track.
She is in a fire fighting program and needs some "real" time at a firehouse as part of her internship. This is very hard to come by. I have a brother who is a Captain of the PFD. I called him and he is going to hook her up so she can go out on some runs. This very well could open a door for her that never would have been opened had she not met ME. I am part of her path.
It's all very cosmic, but really, I have been trying to see this with every situation. Whatever is happening right now, right here, is part of my path and it is supposed to be happening. It is hard to remember that. I always want to say "why is this happening to me???" Well, if I wait long enough, I may just get my answer.
Maybe if my house catches on fire,(god forbid)I will call 911 and the first responder will be ladder 25 and out of the truck will hop the lifeguard from camp and maybe she will save my life and my house.
See how it works???????

jb

It's a brand new day....

2008-11-07T17:11:00.000-08:00

Nov. 4, 2008
I will never forget this night. It was bowling night.
The tv's were blurry and we could not hear them. We took turns holding the radio to our ear.
I remember announcing...He just took Virginia. This is when I knew.
Everyone in the bowling alley seemed oblivious to the greatness of the night. They cheered but only when they picked up a spare, not because Obama just took Ohio. I was like Are you kidding me?
The six people on my team was exactly who I needed to be with. It was perfect. We wore the hats, we blew the horns and we listened with whatever ear we could smash up to the radio.
The one moment I will never forget as long as I live is when I looked up at the TV and I read "Barack Obama has been elected the 44th President of the United States". It was official. I yelled to my friends..LOOK!
He won! He won! I immedietely started crying and hugging my friends around me. It was the most fantastic moment ever. We had to keep bowling in between all this. We would watch our friend bowl and then go back to gluing our eyes to the tv. We hugged some more and we cried some more. It was so surreal.
Out of the whole bowling alley, I do believe we were the minority. This was the biggest thing in our lives and they just wern't there with it. It didn't matter. We were there together. In the end I was grateful I was with my bowling team. If you're going to remember something for the rest of your life, it helps to have really great friends to be part of your memory.
We toasted...I believe the first toast was "here's to the rest of our lives!" Followed immedietely by "America!! Fuck Yeah!"
then my friend said," Look, it's our first family!" And their were the four of them on stage. It was quite a site. I loved them instantly. All of them. My family of hope.
After we celebrated, we bowled game two. This time I bowled a 168.(much improved over the previous 96) The pressure was off and I had a new President. And I might add, I bowl much better than my President.
We hugged each other a bunch more and shed more tears. 6 people who knew at that given moment our lives were going to change.
We rushed the bowling along so we could get home and watch the speech we could not hear.
I sat on my couch and watched Barack walk onto the stage and give his speech. I cried my eyes out. I cried for every single black person that has ever been held down, treated bad, forced to drink from a different fountain. I was so proud of the American People this night. It should not be so wonderful because he is black, but reality is it is. It is something we never believed could happen. God, I hope MLK was able to watch from wherever he is. He has shattered racism and has taken away any excuses from any of us that we can't do something because we are black, or brown, or gay or whatever. This man just rocked change. You cannot look at him now without being inspired and being proud of him. Soon those in doubt will not see the color of his skin, they will only see his ability to change the United States. It will take time and we must be patient.

The magic of the night carried with me for a few days. I could not stop crying at work. Reading and listening to others reactions just brought more tears.
I am now in the mind frame of Ok. This is good. What can I do? For the first time since Bill Clinton spoke to me at Pioneer square I actually am willing to make sacrifces in order to help my President and my country.
All I know is it was a magical night. I am proud of President Obama. More than proud... I love him, and I am full of hope.
It really is a brand new day...

jb

My 3 minutes with David Sedaris...

2008-11-01T12:14:00.000-07:00

David Sedaris is much shorter than I thought. I was greatly surprised. He seems so much taller in his headshot. He is also much more soft spoken than I had imagined. How could so much humor come from this tiny, gentle man?
He took the stage and entertained us with his readings. He is just as twisted in person as I had hoped. His humor takes a minute to catch up with you sometimes. I found myself laughing at an echo's pace.
I tried to remember things he said so I could relay to my friend later. Won't happen.
After the show, I immedietely get in line for the signing. It took forever. He has a full on conversation with each person. Which I find delightful, yet irritating as I am about 40 people back.
Thank God, he is talking to the girl in the bee costume now. One more robot, then ME.
It is my turn. The following is how my three minutes with David Sedaris went:

DS: Hi. How are you?
me: Good. How are you?
DS: better, now that I have a Scorpio in my presence. (takes my book, opens it up)
me: I'm a Libra.
DS: Hmm. oh really? (the hmm, says, I don't believe you)
DS:( looks up at me and spots my remember pin. ) Remember. Remember what?
me: remember the Holocoust.
DS: Hmm. It could also be "remember to do your laundry"
me: yes, it could. Or remember to take your lunch to work
DS: laughs. (the laugh says, why, yes, it very well could mean that, but don't try to outwit me)
DS: Who'd you come with?
me: two friends. They had to jet off to a party.
DS: You wern't invited?
me: no
DS: hmm.
me: it's ok
he is drawing in my book as we talk.
DS: (finishes the drawing, signs his name and begins searching through his pile of treats) Here, take this.
me: I take from him, this tiny, plastic, red devil with a tail.
DS: This is to hook onto your to go coffee cup, to remind you that you really didn't want to go that fucking party anyway.
me: thank you
DS: Thank you. Bye (closes book, hands it to me and smiles at me)
My three minutes with David Sedaris are over.

I walk out into the night and glance at the picture he drew. A turtle body with a human head wearing a top hat.

I laugh. Did that really just happen? Hmm.

jb

Mi Casa...

2008-10-27T19:30:00.000-07:00

I dream of the day when I can move into a bigger house.
I had two people over for dinner tonight. I used my kitchen table, which I never do. I keep plants on my kitchen table. So, in order to seat my two guests, I had to move 4 african violets, one zebra plant and one other plant. Oh, and move the big palm off the floor so somebody could get to the third chair.
I remember the days of 1375 sq feet and I just want to cry. It dosn't sound like much, but trust me, it is a warehouse compared to my little abode.
I miss that house so much.
I am not in the house of my dreams anymore and I'm telling you.."cute" only goes so far. Yes, it is home and yes, it is comfortable but I dream of the days when I can have company without moving foliage around.
I know I will not move again until A. I win the lottery. B. I get a gigantic raise C. I get a partner with an income.
My odds seem about the same for all three.
Trust me, I will marry for square footage!!
jb

Thank you for not smoking...

2008-10-22T18:16:00.000-07:00

I am attempting to quit smoking. It's not going as well as I hoped. I manage to go all day, but cannot quite get rid of the couple at night. I must bite the bullet, because I know soon, the couple at night, turn into just one in the afternoon and so it goes, and so it goes.
I find myself pissy from time to time during the day. Today,standing in line at Subway, a guy walked in and just yelled, "is there a plug in here?" he appears to just be throwing it out there, so I answer him. "not for public use, there isn't". He says "do you think you own this place or something?" I snap back, "why the hell did you ask if you didn't want the answer". A couple more snaps back and forth.the whole line is listening. I wanted to kick his ass. My friend was like, Woah. really? Yeah, really.
I had to resolve an issue between one of my workers and one of our restaurants. Smooth the waters, redirect the course. You know, be a supervisor. I so badly wanted to say to my worker, "quit being a bitch, ok?" You are in the wrong, now get the fuck over it. Of course, this was not said. I handled myself well and smoothed the waters and all is well. Not at all how I pictured it in my head.
This is what quitting smoking does to people. You want to jump out of your skin. It's horrible and it's why alot of people just don't bother.
But, I must. For several reasons. First reason, being death. Don't want to die.
second reason, softball.I would like to be able to play without wanting to stop at the nearest oxygen bar on the way to second base. third reason. a boyfriend. there are more non smokers in the world. It ups my chances.
So, I continue to try and will eventually knock off the nighttime smokes and will once again be a non smoker. Unitl then, may the universe protect all those innocent people who are irritaing the hell out of me. May I not kick your ass.
jb

the vote is in.........

2008-10-18T20:12:00.000-07:00

I don't think I like voting by mail.
I miss "election day" where I actually had to drive to the school or church and walk in. I miss the old ladies who took my name, and I miss the process of going into the booth and casting my ballot.
I used to really feel like I had done my duty when I took time off work and drove to my ballot place. I always felt very proud of myself. Especially when they gave you one of those "I voted today" stickers. We could ask each other "have you gone and voted yet?"
Now, I sit on my couch and vote. I voted while watching Color Splash on HGTV.
This is not right.
However, I am done. My vote for Barack is in! I can now tune out all political ads and toss the flyers that come daily now. This part I like.

I know voting by mail gets more people to vote, but damnit, I miss the old ladies!!

jb

Happiness can be quite simple sometimes...

2008-10-14T19:14:00.000-07:00

Here is a list of things that make me happy currently,

1. Going to see Great Big Sea. I cannot think of a time when I am happier than being at one of their concerts.
2. Buying the big, fat, pumpkin-chocolate chip cookies at Fred Meyers.
3. Taking Ny Quill before I go to bed
4. My new glow in the dark skeleton hand pen
5. looking at my flowers on my table
6. The ADP people shadowing me for three days are not bothering me at all.
7. I am going to David Sedaris in 17 days.
8. The lifeguards
9. Root beer barrel candy
10.I am going to the corn maze with my grandaughter on Sunday
11.I can drink 2 cups of coffee at 7 pm and fall asleep at 9:30 (see # 3)
12.Obama is ahead in the polls
13.I am going to Jakes Crawfish for lunch tomorrow.
14. The banana cream pie at Jakes Crawfish
15. going 10-12 hours at a time without smoking. (working on 24 hours at a time)
16. my home owners insurance only went up 2.00 this time.
17. Reading Tony_C's twitters.
18. My friend from camp e-mailed me yesterday and made me laugh
19. The picture of Obama I received today. Innapropriate, but hysterical
20. Looking at the picture of Steve in my living room. Thinking of him brings a funny kind of happiness inside me.

Sometimes it doesn't take much. When you list it all out, that's quite alot of things to be happy about........!

jb

Another chapter in the life of me...

2008-10-11T11:57:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I went for my annual mamogram. A week later, the letter comes stating I need to return for "further imaging?". My heart stopped. This could only mean they have found something. I tried to put it out of my mind until the next appt.
I went for further imaging. They explained what they saw and why the need for further tests. I started crying. The imaging tech hugged me.
After further pics, they immediately said I needed an ultra sound.
Sitting in the waiting room in my gown I was comforted by another woman who said "it will be nothing, don't worry". I prayed she was right.
I walked into the room where my breast was displayed in film form larger than life on the wall. It was dark in there. The dr. explained the findings in great detail. I finally had knowledge.
She says to me "we need to do a biopsy to determine if this is cancer or not". More tears.
For the next few days I feared the worse. I went in for the biopsy. This was the most unpleasant experience. I was hyperventilating. My breast was clamped into this machine for an hour and a half while they figured out the technical stuff to assure they were getting to the right spot.
Samples were taken and I was sent home with more knowledge. There was a very big chance this was not cancer they kept saying.
Waiting for the results was hell. How would I tell the kids? Who would take care of me during surgery? Would I lose my breast?
I told only two people. No need to worry anyone until I knew.
The day before my results was my 45th birthday. I came home to see the largest, most beautiful boquet of flowers on my porch.I mean seriously, a redicilous amount of flowers! I have never,ever received flowers so beautiful. The card was anonymous, yet I knew who put them there. My first thought was, "are you kidding me? you choose this year to do something nice for me?" Then I wondered, did he know somehow? Did all those years together give us some kind of secret telepathy? then for one brief moment,I felt something I had not felt in awhile. Then I decided to not contemplate the motives behing the flowers, but to just enjoy them. Which I have done. No response was necessary on my part.
On the day my results were due I could barely breathe. I told two more people. It was becoming too big for me. They told me they would be there while I made the call. I would not be alone.
The results came in and they were benign. It was the only word I heard. The doctor said it immediately before continuing. (bless him). There is an area of concern that may have to be surgically removed. Not urgent, but of enough concern it needs to be dealt with. Benign at this point, but left untreated, could , COULD lead to cancer down the road. There will be follow up in a couple weeks and an appt made with a breast surgeon. This would be minor surgery. The area will be biopsied again once removed to be sure there is no cancer. The dr. assured me he felt 95% sure it would be fine.
I am relieved. At this time I do not have breast cancer. For one week, I was sure I did. This is the worst feeling in the world. It was so personal and so strangling I could barely breathe. The things that ran through my mind were foreign to me.
Edie weighed heavily on my mind.
For today, I am fine. Results down the road will reveal more, but I feel confident it will be ok.
What I learned through all this, is that I have people who would be there for me if needed. I may live alone, but I am not alone.
My friends took me out last night. We toasted to my few days gone by 45th birthday and to the fact that I do not have breast cancer.
As I ate my bar-b-qued chicken pizza, I was grateful they were my friends and I was grateful the conversation turned to regular stuff. We celebrated me, and then we continued doing what friends do. Talk too much, eat too much and laugh. Laughter that was much needed after the two weeks I just had.
I now know, I do not have to face life alone. I have friends and there is no better comfort to me.
jb

A driver or a Chef?

2008-10-06T19:24:00.000-07:00

If I could have one unecessary luxury in my life, it would be a Chef. Some people would choose a personal driver instead. Not I.
I love to eat good food but find cooking for myself redicilous.
My diet consists of the same couple of things. I eat soy chicken sandwiches, grilled cheese, sometimes grilled HAM and cheese! There is the occasional breakfast for dinner, and hot dogs. My side dishes consist of either chips and salsa or wheat thins dipped in cottage cheese. This is pretty much my diet. It is easy and it seems to be sustaining life.
If I had a chef I would eat seafood, really good salads, fancy stir frys, pork roast and mashed potatoes, and he would make me home made biscuits at my command.
On Sunday mornings I would have french toast, eggs cooked with fancy herbs, and of course homemade biscuits.
If I had a chef I would eat at 6. Desert would be at 8. As it stands I rarely eat dinner before 8pm.
I can imagine no greater luxury than having my own personal Chef. I would also invite him to eat with me. After all, he's here, and I'm here, why not. We would strike up interesting conversation about the use of sage. This would lead to other topics and we would realize we have alot in common. He loves to cook and I love to eat. We would eventually fall in love over brunch one day.
He would move in and cook for me for the rest of my life.
There could be no greater luxury.
jb

Beach weekend ...

2008-10-02T21:13:00.000-07:00

So, I am heading to the beach this weekend. My friend rented a really nice house with a magnificent view of the ocean.
I think she sees this as some kind of retreat/spiritual type weekend. She is going a day earlier than I.
She says to me tonight, I am bringing this book I read that's called "a womans's return to love".
"I think you will like it and might enjoy reading it at the beach"
Little does she know, I am bringing Augusten Burroughs book "a wolf at the table".
My plan is not to "find some spiritual connection" but to find out why poor Augusten's father was such an asshole.
I also plan to eat bad food and drink too much coffee. I hope to find some place that serves really good seafood and eat like there's no tomorrow. Which there may not be and if that's the case, I'd rather go with a full stomach and an insight to a very disturbing family tragedy. (and not my own)
I just can't do self help, find your inner being, be a strong woman type crap right now. Don't get me wrong, that stuff has a place in life and I've done my share.
But sometimes part of life is just knowing when you should eat a good meal, read a good book, and kick your friends ass in some cribbage.
That can be quite spiritual.
jb

Could we have an election allready?...

2008-09-28T13:12:00.000-07:00

I am ready for the election to be over. I am finally sick of the politics. I couldn't even watch the whole debate. It is just blah, blah, blah, to me right now.
I am even tired of hearing Obama talk. I think they are both full of shit. Of course I still believe Obama will make a good President and if he dosn't win, I am moving to Canada, but it's just the same ole crap. All day long.

My friend from California called yesterday. She knows nothing about politics, but has suddenly decided she wants to. She says to me.. "I am pro choice. I mean pro life, I mean whatever it is that says I believe in a woman's right to choose, that's what I am. Does that make me a Republican?"
This is a very intelligent woman asking me this. It scares me that there are a lot of people out there like that.
I assured her she was a full fledged daisy wearing liberal and to just vote Obama.
I didn't have the energy to go any further............
jb

I only knew you were thirsty...

2008-09-20T21:24:00.000-07:00

I just watched the movie 'The Fisher King'. It was one of the best movies I have ever seen. Perfect.
It made me miss my dear friend from camp. A story he told us about himself led me to the story of the Fisher King and then the movie. I now understand him so much more.

Some people are brought into our lives for a reason. He was brought into mine for many.

It is unfortunate for me that he will probably not return into my life. It is hard to realize you love someone and may very well never see them again.

I needed more time.

jb

they say it takes a year of seasons...

2008-09-19T19:32:00.000-07:00

How is it some people love being single and living alone? Do they really? or have they just succombed to it and therefore try to convince themselves and others that they really love it.
I will not be one of those people. Some days living alone is so much worse than other days. The days when you walk into your house and you just want to scream or close the door, get back into your car and drive to some strangers house, walk in and say "hi honey, I'm home".
The upside to being single is you can do whatever you want. This is really the only upside. I miss the days when I actually needed to call someone, or leave a note telling them where I was. Now, I can not come home from work, be gone for hours and noone even knows.
There was a period of time I thought I might never be in a realtionship again. That maybe I had my chance, and it's gone. But I am now in the frame of mind that I am actually preparing myself for someone incredibly perfect for me. This person will appear to me before March of 2009.
I told myself I need exactly one year away from my ex husband. No contact, no sightings, nothing. At that point, it would be completely out of my system and I would then be good to go. I am about 6 months into it. Although, he has attempted contact with me, I have refused to recipricate. For the past five years it has been back and forth and sideways with him. This is the longest I have not talked to him, ever. It has been good. Even though he is off doing other things, he still attempted contact and I was glad to "delete" all sounds of his voice and words. It would have been so easy to just pick up the phone when his voice spoke into it, or return the texts. But it was just like when I got clean, the first year was the hardest, and I never want to have to do that first year over again, so I don't use and I don't answer when he calls. It's just that simple.
So, in March of 2009 I just know I will have spent the year doing exactly what I needed to do. Whomever comes into my life is going to get one well adjusted, self healed, emotionally stable human being. All baggage will be dealt with and gone.
So,while sometimes I want to die of lonliness, I know in the end this is the most healthiest thing I have ever done and someone is going to reap the rewards of all my hard work.
It may be a long winter however.......
jb

Gelato........

2008-09-11T19:47:00.000-07:00

I have experienced some intense things the last couple of weeks. However, I am ready to move on to a more cheery subject...Gelato.
This is creamy goodness that can cure all. Two days in a row, we have gone to Mio Gelato in the Pearl.
First trip my friend took me to cheer me up and get me out, the trip today to cheer up our other co worker having a rough time.
Let me tell you..once you pick your flavors and start walking and eating, you never get around to talking about your troubles; the conversation turns to how good the gelato is. Then what flavors you want to try next, whether you really should have gotten greedy and ordered three scoops today, and how whether you should keep the cute little shovel spoons to use at home.
I guess gelato really does cure all, because you temporarily forget your troubles. It's all about the gelato.
It's better than therapy
jb

Good-Bye Edie................

2008-09-08T17:20:00.000-07:00

My friend's journey has ended. Edie died yesterday afternoon.
I received the official news this morning at work, however, I knew yesterday. I felt it. It was like she passed by me on her way to wherever she is going.
It was surreal getting the news at work. My phone was ringing, the e-mails were coming in, my workers were in my office. The usual Monday morning. I was choking back tears trying to get through it. It was not where I wanted to be. There was no time to just sit and absorb the news, to pay my respects. Alot of people didn't know yet and business was just going on as usual and it was pissing me off.
All the usual things were said to me today;' "at least she's not suffering" "she's in a better place now". No one ever just says, wow, this is fucked up.
Of course I am grateful that her pain has ended. I am happy she finally let go.
Is she in a better place? This I can not answer. It seems to me a better place would be for her to be here, cancer free and living her life. I never understood "the better place".
All day thoughts of her ran through my head. The Thanksgiving dinner, all the talks in the park, the Van Halen concert, The Rod Stewart concert, the countless hours of her sharing her self with me, the laughter she provided me at all the right times, the tears we shared, the scars she bared to me, the dances in her office, and most of all the love ;The endless amount of unconditional love she gave me.
I am a better person for having known her. She provided me what no other human could. That is the gift that was Edie.
My love and my respect are immense today. I am going to, for the first time, put some faith in the idea that there is a better place and that she is there.

jb

Forever Friends.............

2008-08-31T20:52:00.000-07:00

It has been two days since I returned from camp. Once again, it was an experience that no words can describe. I tried to tell someone earlier about camp and I just gave up. It just does not translate well. I'm inclined now to just say, "it was great" and leave it at that.
I did experience a meltdown at camp on Thursday. I had six of the most challenging boys in all of camp. It got a bit out of control for me. With the help of some very smart, dedicated, supportive people, I got through it.
It is hard to remember the lives these children come from. They don't know how to express it in words, so they express it in behavior. I felt very ill equipped to handle some of it. I am forever grateful to my camp friends for letting me cry, letting me rant, and then helping me to pull it together so I could be there for the kids.
This year at camp my relationships grew ten fold. I cannot explain how important some of these people have become in my life. The way a few people just stepped up and embraced me is beyond words. I have learned so much this year. These camp friends inspire me to be a better person.
I also learned that I can fall in love again and even though it is not to be, I learned that I am capable. This a gift all in itself. I finally realized that this had been happening over the last four years. This was a very hard good bye for me. To hold someone and have them tell you they love you and have to say good bye all in the same embrace was extremely difficult. I will carry this person in my heart forever.

The children of Camp Starlight once again challenged me and inspired me. They are the real heroes. I love them all.
It was summed up best by one of my 10 year old campers as he hugged me good bye, He said "you and me, we will never forget each other"
And so ends another year at camp.......
jb

Sacred Item...

2008-08-21T21:12:00.000-07:00

Here I am again..preparing for Camp Starlight. Where did the year go?
I will pack my new tennis shoes for my soon to be weary feet, a boatload of candy to bribe my boys with and every article of clothing I own. I learn something each year..this year I will pack the fabreeze. Kids at camp stink up a cabin!
My friend from Maryland will not be going with me this year. This will alter my camp experience. She has been with me every year. She sleeps on my couch the night before, and the night after and I will miss her. We always gear up and decompress together. Not this year.
Once again, we are asked to bring a sacred item to share. How many damn sacred items can I have? Every year this is a task for me. I was looking around my house..is this a sacred item? no. Is THIS is a sacred item? no. Then, I spot it! A picture of one of my girls from my first year at camp. She is the first kid from Camp Starlight that broke my heart in half. A little wisp of a thing. She has HIV and each year you can see the toll it is taking on her. She is the first child I had to take to Club Med to take her medication. I sat with her many times while she took her 14 pills.(twice daily) It took her forever, because she hates it.It was when this disease really slapped me in the face. Why her?
She is so tired and so frail that she sits out most of the activities. She cannot keep up with the rest of the kids, nor does she seem to want to. She is content to just be there. She will sing the same song she sings every year at the talent show.My heart will break all over again.
She is the first child who took my hand at camp and the first child who made me something in Arts and Crafts. I have had her picture in my Living Room for four years.
This year, that picture will be my sacred item.
My one worry this year is that my dear friend will pass away while I am at camp. This is highly probable. If there is a memorial to attend I will have to make the decision whether I leave camp for a day. Most likely, I would do that. I can't think of a more safe place to be if I get the news.
So, that aside, I am looking forward to yet another week at Camp Starlight. Tomorrow, I will take my last shower without shoes on, eat one last good meal with camp buddies at Jakes Grill and then head off in the morning.
A week of paddle boating, swimming, arts and crafts, kickball, dances, talent shows, carnivals,circle ups, riding the pony,laughter,prune eating, late night talks on the front porch of the dining hall, new friends, old friends,being in the morning starlight band, sneaking out at least once to go to Starbucks, more laughter, cabin chat every night with my boys, and sitting on the dock at night after the kids go to sleep, staring out at the lake under the moonlight and being grateful that I am a part of something so magical as Camp Starlight.
jb

Wedding Bells.........

2008-08-16T19:48:00.000-07:00

Another family wedding today. I just love them! Even though it was 100 degrees and my dress was sticking to my legs, it was a great day. From the moment my new sister in law walked down the aisle to "at last" the tears started. Then watching my brother cry, assured the tears would continue to flow.
The reception was a blast. My daughter was with me which made the day all the better. She looked as beautiful as I have ever seen her.
Seeing my brother so happy made me happy. Also, for the first time in a very long time I actually have hope I too will be this be happy in love again. I don't know why, since I'm not even dating anyone right now, but I just feel things are going to turn for me this upcoming year. It's a hunch. Or maybe for the first time, I went to a wedding and did not grieve for my own marriage ending. I must be on my way to something.
Anyway, it was a great day and it felt really good to be around my family and to take pictures and laugh and just be happy. I like to watch people dance. I think that's the best part of weddings. All the emotional dances. I love that the bride did a dance with her daughter. It was great. They just danced around with each other as if noone else was there. It was very sweet.
And I must say, dancing with my own brother on his wedding day....was just the best.
There is really nothing quite like family. I always feel safe when I am around all of them.
Today was a good day.
jb

The Gravel Pit........

2008-08-09T13:10:00.000-07:00

Who knew there were so many kinds of gravel?? I went to Mt. Scott fuel today to get a little to finish my project. "Pull up back and load up yourself" the lady tells me. I drive to the back and there is the gravel. So many choices!! Piles and piles of it.
I don't know why, but this thrilled me. I was wishing I had a truck so I could just get a whole load of it. I don't need a whole load of it, but I wanted a whole load of it. There was pretty, stone gravel, fine gravel, big gravel. It was gravel heaven! In the end, I went with what would match my neighbors. (since my project spills into his driveway.)
Project complete. I have managed to only cross two things off my outside "to do" list this summer. Time is running out, and quite frankly I don't have the ambition to paint my porch or whack down bamboo or lay down a new walkway, so I'm not going to.

I have finished all three seasons of Weeds now though, and this leaves me with alot of time on my hands. But I probably won't use that time wisely. I will find some other thing that occupies my time and keeps me from doing work around my house.

Oh, that reminds me, I gotta go watch the Olympics.........

jb

One more hour with a friend..........

2008-08-01T18:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel redicilous writing on my blog. My two readers are on vacation, I may have lost my "sometimes three" reader and my new 4th reader probably only read the one entry and never returned. But, the way I figure, it's somehwat of a journal for myself. I have history of my thoughts and it beats having a spiral notebook I have to write in.
I made another visit to my friend in Hospice. I did not think I would be blessed with a second visit, but I was. She is still hanging on. Although not really by choice.
The universe just isn't ready to take her yet. I assume someone is preparing a really nice room for her and they are waiting for the silk curtains to arrive.
She looks much more frail. The pain has intensified,so has the medication. She was still happy to see me. She asked me to brush her hair. She gets great pleasure out of me brushing the rats out of her hair.
The visit is more intense this time. Although I am more at ease with her and found it very calming and peaceful once again to be with her.
She asks me if I support her decision to do "death with dignity" (she has signed all the papers to end her own life with medication when she is ready)
I tell her absolutely 100%, I support that decision. She tells me her family does not.
She says to me "for the love of God, It's time to go!" I agree.
She says to me "if I was my own dog, I would have put me down a month ago". My heart breaks in half.
She is so right. We hang onto our people because we cannot bear to let them go. This is selfish. She wants to go. She is done. She is waiting for her people to say it's ok to go. They do not. I do. I tell her it's ok Edie. I'm not the one she needs to hear it from though.
They took her home Tuesday. It took 6 people to move her into the ambulance. She is at home now as she wishes. She is not there because she is better. She is there because she insisted. And even from her bed of pain, she is in control.
I wait everyday for the word. It will be very soon.
I am starting to realize there are many things I will never get to do again. It is starting to become overwhelming to me to realize she will be gone. Her face flashes through my mind constantly and a sadness that I can't describe directly follows.
She said to me last Sunday. "jo, jo, it's my boat, and it's sinking." I can only reply, "yes, it is"
There is no life preserver or coast guard this time.
I wait for the call and I pray everyday the universe takes her and ends her misery.
I am not prepared for how I will feel when that happens, but I'm sure it will be a deep empty sadness, but also gratitude that her pain is over.
Her face flashes once again through my mind and I pray her family finally tells her it's ok to go. That's all she is waiting for.
jb

bartering on the corner....

2008-07-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

My crazy neighbor with the eyes that roll around in different directions trades zuchini for ice cream from the ice cream man.

He talks so loud that I can hear him from my porch while he is doing this.

I find this delightful...

jb

Olive Oyl

2008-07-20T16:06:00.000-07:00

A while ago I posted a blog about memories and how they build upon each other.
I just returned from a camping trip to a place I have been to several times. This time I made the trip with new friends. The memories of trips gone by were running through my head as I was making new memories.
One of the things I always do there is go antiquing at the local towns that are nearby. Same stores every time. It's a ritual.
This trip was no different. I grabbed one of my friends and off we went.
Some years ago, I purchased a "Wimpy" doll in one of the antique stores. He has been with me every since. I was telling my friend this and mentioned I have always been on the look out for the Popeye doll to go with Wimpy. My friend says "that would be cool to find Olive Oyl." Yeah, it would I reply.
We are walking around in the very store I found Wimpy. Looking, Looking, Looking. Trying on crazy glasses, reminising when we see something we remember from our childhood. Laughing at everything. Then my friend says "oh my gawd!" I look at what he is referring to and there she is........Olive Oyl! Right there on the shelf. We are a little freaked about this. I grab her and immedietely hug her. We are speechless. I buy her immedietely. The old lady wraps her in tissue paper which I find very fitting. I am so happy......and just slightly disturbed.
We wander through stores and every stop we take, something quite random happens. We are having a blast but there is something very twighlight zone going on.
We find full body skeletons made from Pink Milk jugs in the coffee store bathroom and we see a picture of Jesus being kissed by a man on the cheek. My friend says out loud.."hmm, didn't know Jesus was gay" Upon asking the store owner who the guy kissing Jesus is, he looks me dead on and says "don't you know your bible?" This is a topic he does not want me to start on. We find out it is Judas kissing Jesus and this print is one you will "only find here". One of a kind. No shit. Never seen it before in my life.
The outing ends in a store called "Classy Touch" which was just screaming to us...COME IN, COME IN.
The most bizzarre items. Beyond tacky,beyond garish. Angels so ugly we want to run, but we are mesmerized by their fiber optic moving wings! Dolls so out of proportion we are just stunned and by now a little scared. We are starting to feel weird. The final item we pick up is an octopus wine bottle holder, with a face that only a deranged axe murderer could love. This scares us so bad we know we have to get out while we are still alive. At that very moment,in the dead silent store, banjo music starts playing. Out of nowhere!! "Oh, Susannah". The shop owner starts whistling along and I am about to pee my pants. We are the only ones in the store and this is just too much. We knew we had to get out. I pray I can say Thanks to the guy without falling down laughing. I manage to do just this.
Once free on the sidewalk it was like "What the....?? Did that really happen? Our journey must end here. We know this. We can't take any more.
We look one more time at the sign store.."Classy Touch"
We can only reply to this by pushing the bullshit button we found in one of the stores. When pushed, it blurts out "that's not just bullshit, that's horseshit".
We laugh so hard we almost die.
We return to camp and try to tell our adventure to the others. It does not translate well.
It was the best part of my trip. The next time I am at these stores some year or two from now, I will remember our outing, because after all, memories really do build upon each other and this new memory is a keeper.
Maybe next time I will find Bluto.....
jb

An hour with a friend.......

2008-07-07T21:42:00.000-07:00

I write this blog entry not out of disrespect for my friend but for myself really. Words always help me process and this is where my words go.. my blog.
Today, I visited my friend at a hospice home. Two weeks ago she stood before me at work preparing to leave for Italy. The trip of her life. She looked frail, but still pretty good. The trip of her life was cut short. Her pain became too much to manage and they had to bring her home early. She now resides in a lovely hospice home. It is not her home, which is where she wants to be.
I was not prepared for the woman I saw today. She must have lost 20 pounds in two weeks. Her hair a matted mess and only a sheet around her frail body.
"Hey,Jo,Jo!" I didn't know what to do or say. Another friend there sensing this, guided me to a chair on the other side of the bed. "Hold my hand" she says to me. And I do. I hold her hand and begin what I'm sure will be my own personal final hour with her. She is in immense pain and is very drugged up. She drifts in and out of conversation. Each time she wakes back up, she continues the conversation as if she hadn't really drifted off. Never missing a beat.
She asks me to brush her hair. I do. She asks me if she looks pretty. I say, "you are gorgeous". She says "Thanks, jo, jo."
For the next hour we talk. I hold her hand and give her juice from a straw. Family wanders in and wanders out.
For the first time since I"ve known my friend, she is completely vulnerable. There wasn't the usual "it's going to be ok" We both know it won't be. I can't say her sense of humor was intact, but her spirit was. I found great comfort in being there with her.
She commmented on the walls. "They are moving in and out jo,jo. I can't stand the walls moving like that." The medication is taking over. She drifts out again, then back in. "The Italian men were gorgous jo, jo. And the wine.." drifts out again, then back in. "The wine was so good. Even the cheap table wine." She makes me laugh.
She is overwhelmed. She wants to be home. She is scared.
There was such a sweetness to her. Everything felt calm and peaceful. I did not cry while I was there. I just held her hand. The tears came later.
It was time for me to go. She was drifting out and not coming back in so quickly. I kissed her on the forehead and told her I loved her. She said "I love you, jo, jo". I knew it would be the last time I heard her say that. I kissed her again and left.
I can't get her image out of my mind. This once vibrant, beautiful, full of life woman is now frail,childlike and dying. She is still just as beautiful. Her spirit is so strong it is like a wall of comfort around me.
My hope for her is the angels make her strong enough to get home. This is everyone's goal. She wants to be home when she dies.
I feel so lucky I could be there with her today. This woman has done so much for me personally and today all I could do is brush her hair, give her juice through a straw and hold her hand. It dosn't seem to even out.
I am trying not to be angry that she is dying. It isn't fair and everyone knows that. Nothing she has done has ever been in vain and she has touched my life in a way no other human has. For that I am grateful.
I only wish her calmness in her final days. May she take comfort in her family and finally allow others to do for her what she has done for us. And most importantly, may she make it home just one more time. May she find her way to the "Santa Monica bungelow" she calls her home, (even though it sits in Lake Oswego.) And may she let go and finally be at peace.
I will miss you my friend........
jb

You make a living out of this??

2008-07-06T16:46:00.000-07:00

What is it with Contractors? They just never show up. I hired someone to do one small job. Lay some sod in a small area in my front yard. It took him weeks and he finally showed up and leveled the area and layed the dirt. He was to come back the next week and put the sod down. 3 weeks later... He calls on 4th of July and says everyone is out of sod. He will try to get here this week.
This man came highly recommended and I have seen his landscaping work. He does excellent work.... for other people.
I had to hire someone as my son who claims he would come help me do it, never did.
If I had a truck to haul the dirt and sod, I would do it myself. But I don't. I must rely on others and I must say I am less than impressed by them all.
My only hope is this guy charges me about 1/2 of what he would have had he showed up on time.
Good help is appearantly a thing of the past.....If anyone asks me if I know a good yard guy, I will have the answer....NO.
jb

Remembering the memories.

2008-06-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

Our lives are just one long string of memories. Great ones, sad ones, funny ones, touching ones, tragic ones. Each one created, changes the course of our life just a little. We don't realize as things are happening, that this one day will become one of our memories. That's all life is. Making memories. For when we sit and we are quiet with ourselves, our mind runs through all our memories. It can't be helped, it's what our brains do.
When we go camping, we remember that one great week we had at Timothy Lake all the while creating a new memory of the camping trip we are now having.
When we have ice cream with our grandchildren we remember when our own children were small and we took them for ice cream. We are creating new ice cream memories while remembering the old ones.
When we sit around laughing with our new friends, we remember times we sat with old friends laughing. We are creating new friend memories while remembering the old friends.
Sometimes I think we don't live in the moment because we are spending so much time remembering a similiar moment and how it was different or better or funnier. But I don't know that that is true. While remembering, we are still living in the moment. We are remembering and we are creating new things to remember. It just goes that way.
Imagine when we are really old and we have spent alot of time living, which created memories and then we remembered those, all the while creating new memories and then remembering those.
When we see an old person sitting on a porch staring into space, we sometimes think they are just empty inside looking at nothing or that they might be crazy. What they are really doing is going over all those memories that built upon each other. They are no longer making too many new memories, so they finally have time to sit and think of all the ones that have built up over the years. So, when we see an old person staring into space and a smile creeps over their face or a tear drops down their cheek, we know. They are remembering the memories.
jb

Happy to be clean and sober.

2008-06-22T12:46:00.000-07:00

I went to two parties yesterday. It once again reinforced that drinking brings out the absurdity in people. The more people drink, the more fun they appear to have and the more uncomfortable I become.
Party #1- Lovely home, great people, but alcohol was the focal point. These people were mostly younger than me and getting wasted seemed to be the goal. This led to some pretty "interesting" behaviour by a couple of lesbians who seemed to have lost all sense of good judgment somewhere between their fourth and fifteenth mohito. I wonder if the pants would have come down if they were sober?
Party #2- people my age!!! Beautiful back yard.. tiki torches, etc and FOOD was the main focus. Much more comfortable setting. However as the alcohol flowed, the people change. They become redicilous. Being the only completely sober one, I suppose I am the only one who notices this.
I needed a party #3- Where people ate, acted the age they are, and talked about interesting topics. Kids ran around and there was laughter not fueled by alcohol, and no one showed you the tricks they could do with their new breast implants. And you didn't feel depressed when you hopped in your car to go home.
I am shocked at the amount of people who still drink and drive. This is a topic I can not even go to right now.
Today, I am more than grateful that I don't drink. I have no regrets on what I did or said last night and there are no pictures of me with my pants down performing lewd acts on another human being. Ah. thank god for sobriety.
jb

Summer... gone before it gets here.

2008-06-10T18:04:00.000-07:00

It feels like Summer is almost over before it has begun. The weekends are filling up. Two parties on Summer Soltice, a camping trip to the beach mid July, Dolly Parton concert early August, my brother's wedding. I have a "to do" list for my house that I wonder where I will find the time to start it. I am paying someone to do the first thing on the list. (finish laying sod) Maybe that will motivate me to do the rest.
Then before you know it I will be packing for camp which signals the end of Summer. After much contemplation, I have decided to go to camp again. I really did not want to. I was guilted into it pretty much with some strong words from a camp friend, (whom I'm sure I will thank later when some magical moment happens while I am there.) I get tired just thinking of camp.

For the first time in my life I was given a bonus at work. My pay off for the months of hell I went through this past year. It is just sitting in the bank wondering how I will spend it. I am seriously considering Disneyland in September. For now, it just looks nice sitting there and gives me a touch of financial security.
However, Space Mountain really is calling my name..........................
jb

Human life...

2008-05-29T20:18:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about human life. Is one life more valuable than another? My friend who has cancer informed me today that it has spread into her bones, spine, liver and kidneys. There will be no more surgeries.
I stood before her wondering how this was possible. She still looks fairly good aside from being too skinny,and all the visible scars on her head from the five brain surgeries. And she is still at work! Work keeps her going she says. The pain is managable at this point, but won't be for long.
I could not ask the question.. but she knew, so she said, "I don't know how long, I don't ask" but she is getting her affairs together. Planning for hospice when it is time. We talked about when we first met. She was bald and going through Chemo.I was happily married. One year later, she had hair and I was getting divorced. We saw each other through it. We cried together day after day. She showed me her breasts after her reconstructive surgery. The breasts were back, but so were the zillions of scars from all the other surgeries. I remember thinking WOW! no one would guess what lies under this 200.00 Italian silk shirt. The battle scars. There have been many more battle scars added to those since that day. She was my inspiration for my own breast surgery. She literally led my way right into it. She is the first person who made me laugh again when my life was at it's worst. It started getting better after that. Her tumors were shrinking and I was healing. We talked today about my daughter and my grandaughter. Everytime she sees me she asks about both of them. She was there for me through all of it. Always the voice of logic.
But now, I am healing and on my way to what is sure to be better times ahead, and she is dying. This is so unfair to me I can't stand it.
It got me to thinking about the homeless man I pass on the street wearing the pee stained pants, having imaginary conversations, drooling and picking up cigarette butts. There is no quality of life for him. Is his life as significant and worthy as hers? Why does God leave someone like that to suffer everyday and let someone else die who is so young, vibrant, and full of life? I would like to scream "take him damnit! No one will even notice!" But It dosn't work like that.
I remember the day we cranked up "On the cover of the Rolling Stones" in Edie's office and her and I danced around and sang really loudly. That was a good day.
Like she said today, I am still here. I havn't left yet. She joked that she just might work up until the last minute. She would say to us,,hmm, I don't feel so good and then she would just die. She said to me "don't let it be no Weekend at Bernies. Don't be dragging my dead ass all over the place. When I'm gone, I'm gone.
I laughed through the tears. Then she looked me in the eye and said "jo,jo...I'm ready".
My day was useless after that.
jb

My life and the gay men in it........

2008-05-22T18:40:00.000-07:00

What is it with Gay men in my life? There seems to be alot of them. Which is ok, because gay men make excellent friends. Seriously. They seem to more outgoing and willing to do things such as go see "Singing in the Rain" with you and they always comment on your outfit or shoes. (good or bad, believe me)
Every book I have read in the past year has been written by a gay man. My current read explores Gay marriage.
My two newest friends are both gay.
I am going camping with them in July. One has never been. He asked me if I would put up his tent for him. (which I'm sure will be a 3 room villa). I said no, but I would show him how to do it.
I have taught a gay man to throw a football for the first time, create his first smores, and next, how to camp. This man was once a dancer in Vegas and gets pedicures every two weeks, so it should be intersting.
One thing a gay man cannot provide me however is anything beyond friendship.Having gay men as friends will only lead you to meet more gay men. Why are straight, single, 40 something men not coming into my life as well? What is the message here?
Is it just easier to attract someone you will never have a romantic connection with?
Who knows. But in the meantime, I know my shoes will always get a comment whether it be a "CUTE SHOES" or the famous look with a "uh, huh" which means you must never wear those shoes again.
jb

Softball...summer....life...

2008-04-19T19:26:00.000-07:00

Long overdue for a blog entry.....
I have a new softball team this year! Due to unfortunate circumstances, my team from the past 5 years is no longer.
So, my softball buddy and I are on a new team. We practiced for the first time today and I think it is a good fit. It's good to have new faces.
I have noticed that my age is catching up with me. I normally love playing second base, but this year, I think I'll stick to the outfield. The grounders wizzing at me today kind of freaked me out. The younger players seem to have no problem, so I bow to them.
But! I am not the oldest person on the team. So, this makes me happy. I am surpassed by two other people. Or so I am guessing by the looks of things.
Anyway, I'm happy softball is here and I am hoping for an enriching summer.
I am trying hard to do some things differently in my life. It seems to be working a little bit.
I think I may be on a better path.
I bought myself flowers today........It's not the same as someone buying them for me, but it made me feel worthy all the same.
jb

Love makes a family.........

2008-03-30T15:48:00.000-07:00

When my daughter made the decision to give her unborn baby up for open adoption, I never imagined what would lay ahead. Amid a million questions/fears/insecurities we all had on both sides, I had my own. The feelings that only belonged to me. Would I feel like a Grandma once the baby was with her new family? Would I see her as often as I hoped? Would the guilt ever leave me that I did not take a bigger role in this baby staying in my family? The answers are yes, yes and yes.
Some 3 1/2 years later, I see this child as often as I wish. I not only feel like a Grandma, I am one. When the family told us we would need to include their first child in our lives as well, it never occured to me to do anything different. Yes, I had two granchildren. The older one feels as much a part of me as the one that actually has some of my blood in her. There is no difference.
I never forget these children have family outside of my family, that they are conncected to a whole nother gene pool that came long before us. Yet, the respect and level of trust has grown amungst all of us I believe. There is enough of those kids to be shared amungst us all. For this I am eternally grateful. For this, I thank God that my daughter chose this family and that they were strong enough and brave enough to accept and keep us.
So, when the family became pregnate with twins, I had some questions inside me. Not so many this time however. Would I feel like a grandma to the new ones? Would I be accepted as a Grandma to them?
Well, the little guys entered the world a few days ago. As I was handed baby B, I fell in love with him immedietely. He felt as much a part of my life as the two that allready were. There is no difference. It did not go unnoticed as I was being handed him that I was lovingly called my given "Grandma" name. All the questions seemed silly at that point.
I was taken to the ICU to see baby A (who is getting a little help to become stronger). As I saw him laying there, I fell in love all over again. Holding him felt as right as anything. My heart broke in one instant.
Being allowed to share the babies with the Grandparents who came long before me, the ones who gave birth and raised the mother of these beautiful children, felt as normal and right as it gets.
Today, I am so grateful and so full of love for these four children.
Some people have said (in the beginning) "it's not normal, it's kind of odd, you don't really belong to those children" . Well, those statements are so far gone from me now. They left long ago with all the questions and insecurites.
I only know what I feel now. I feel pure joy and gratitude(and some exhaustion) when I get to bring the older two to my home for a sleepover. I feel pure joy that I get to be part of the two new babies lives.
I feel eternally grateful for the two parents that allow me to be in this place.
I am totally in love with four very beautiful children. I think of baby A constantly and send out all the love and good vibes I can so he can get strong and join everyone else.
And never has it rang more true to me that "love makes a family".

Vacation...

2008-03-19T19:13:00.000-07:00

My vacation was great. Traveling almost alone provided a different experience.
First 3 days-NYC. It was pouring rain the entire time. This did not stop my friend from giving me the tour of Manhattan at rapid speed. It started with tears shed at Ground Zero and ended in Soho and everywhere in between. I stayed in what can only be described in New York terms as a "fabulous" apt. An old converted Zipper factory. It somewhat scared me with it's concrete walls and bars on the windows. But I was grateful for the free lodging. NYC is a fascinating city!
Day 4-a solo tour of Baltimore. A city I grew to hate in about 1/2 an hour. Very unfriendly and somewhat intimidating, given it's reputation for random acts of violence. This did not stop me, but the people pissed me off.
Day 5-6 quick visit into the lives of my relatives in New Bedford, Mass. This is where my aunt wakes up every morning at 6 am, checks the temperature and calls it into the local radio show. She does this M-F. The highlight was watching American Idol and having her dial in my votes for me. There were no plans, no dinners, just me in the middle of a regular day for them. The spend alot of time bitching about the other relatives. I was happy I went.
Day 7-8 My favorite part of the trip was my solo trek to DC. I booked a fancy Hotel for myself and toured the city. I had the best time going to museums, seeing monuments, the White House etc.I couldn't walk fast enough, trying to take in as much as I could. My hotel was directly accross from the Smithsonian Castle. Quite a treat for me. I ordered cookies and milk to my room at 11 pm, wore the fancy robe they provided and basically treated myself to whatever I wanted. It was quite lovely. It's the first time in a very long time I have treated myself so well, and this makes me want to cry.
Day 9- my last day of vacation was spent on a guided tour of Baltimore by my friend. We rode the water taxi around the Harbor, ate Gellato, and walked through some very quaint neighborhoods. I was glad to see another side of that city besides the angry people on the bus from day one. It was a great, relaxing day with my friend and a nice end to the trip.
My first subway ride in NYC was a bit intimidating for me.I was a little panicky, but after several subway and train rides I soon learned it is a great way to travel.
By the end of my trip in DC, I felt like a local."out of my way, I have a train to catch!"
All in all, a very memorable trip.
On the plane ride home I sat by a nice couple. They really touched me. They were so kind to each other. As I watched her get up to check on her teenagers in the next aisle, kiss their foreheads while the husband watched with a very sweet look on his face, alot rushed through my mind. We chatted with each other and I instantly fell in love with them both.
Of all the things I saw and learned on this trip, I have to say they were one of the most important. As I said good-bye to them, they had no idea the impact they just had on me. I cannot explain on here what they did for me, but I'm glad I met them.

Happy to be home, but ready to go again!
jb

Ho Hum on the blog.........

2008-02-28T17:49:00.000-08:00

My blog appears to be dying a slow death. I'm not sure where has happened, but I just don't feel like I have anything worthy to say on here.
Which my last several blogs confirm that.
Maybe after vacation, I will be more inspired. Until then, I got nothing.
Vacation is a week away and I've barely thought about what I will bring. This is quite out of the ordinary for me. I figure sometime soon, I will consider packing.
I am seeing the weather back there is less than desirable. Fricking cold is what it's gonna be. This causes issue. Sweaters take up way too much room in the suitcase.
I am picturing myself stuck in a Chicago airport waiting for the weather to clear. I'm praying things improve over the next week.
My biggest worry is that two beautiful babies are going to born while I"m away and this makes me a bit sad. I know they will be here when I get back, but it's not the same as being involved. But, one never knows. They might just wait for me to return. :)
Anyway, here's hoping better blog entries are somewhere in the near future......
jb

My next President....

2008-02-16T15:08:00.000-08:00

I really want Hilary Clinton to be my next President.
I'm not sure why, but I just cannot get on board with Obama. I don't dislike him,in fact I like him quite a bit, but he just isn't inspiring me.
Hilary inspires me. I think she can do the job and do it well.
This is a very exciting election year. People are talking and people are voting. I can not stop watching CNN and listening to talk radio. I want to know everything that is happening. I listen to both conservative and liberal talk radio. I do know that the liberal/democrat side had a whole lot more to say than the other side. They have nothing to say as to why they will vote Rebulican. They will vote for McCain even though they don't like him. This is absurd to me and proves what I allready knew. (most right wing Repulicans are very close minded and alot of them are pretty damn ignorant)
I continue to hope Hilary can pull it off. If she does not, I will stand behind Obama, because even if he does not inspire me at this moment, I do know he will make a better President than the oposition. He has values I believe in and I believe he will work for us the people.
But damn, I would love to see the Clintons back in office. I love Hilary, and I love Bill Clinton. I will forever remember when I saw Bill at Pioneer Square the first time he ran for President. As he spoke, tears streamed down my face. I was so inspired and so proud.
It's been along time since I've been proud of a President or a nominee. A long time since I've been proud to be American. Hilary brings those feelings back to me.
How can I not support that?
jb

Baltimore......where none of my relatives live....

2008-02-11T19:21:00.000-08:00

Whenever someone asks me where I'm going on my vacation and I say Baltimore, they say "oh, you must have relatives there." As if Baltimore just on it's own merits is not a prime vacation destination.
I have done a little research and it seems like a fine city. It has a harbour, so how bad could it be? They have water taxis which I am most looking forward to.
I was told today that it had alot of bad neighborhoods. "hoods" I believe was the word. Can't wait.
I am also taking trips to DC, NYC and Mass to see my Grandpa while there, so it should be a pretty diverse trip.I have not seen my Grandpa since I was 14 years old. I know this will be my last chance and I am looking forward to it.
I am excited to go, but allready wonder if 10 days is too much. I have a feeling I will get homesick this trip. (I did on my last trip.) This is a new experience for me as I never get homesick while traveling. I usually want to move to whatever place I am at and never go home.
I think my friend is pretty much going to leave me to my own devices which is good and bad. She is used to people using her as home base while traveling around the area.
This will be new for me as well. But I'm going to try to be "independent traveler" and see how it goes. Maybe I will like it better that way.
Either way, my biggest fear is the long plane ride. I hate to fly. I used to be scared, but have gotten over that. Now, I just get bored as hell. After about an hour or so, I want out! It's all I can do to sit in that seat and be quiet. I want to engage the whole plane into charades, or ask the person next to me what their house looks like, are they happily married,do they love Johny Depp, and will they play cribbage with me? 6 hours airborne is going to be a challenge for me.
jb

Brrrr.... a moment of clarity

2008-01-26T09:55:00.000-08:00

My furnace stopped working last night. I woke this morning, turned on the heat, and realized it did not magically start working again overnight.
Coming from a family of heating and air conditioning people, I make one phone call to my step dad. He not only knows what is wrong, but has the part needed to fix it.
He will eat breakfast and be right over.
For a brief moment, I was like EAT BREAKFAST? My mercury is dropping and you can't come right now??
As I sit here in my below 0 house, I realize how fortunate it I am. One phone call, and a two hour wait and I will soon be warm again. No money out of my pocket. The pay will be a cup of coffee and some blueberry scones. How can I be anything more than grateful for that? Thank Gawd my family was not in the pool business.
As I sit here freezing, my mind wandered to the homeless. (as it often does). There are people who may have slept outside last night. No one is coming to fix their heater.It's possible someone died last night due to the freezing conditions. They have no where to go during the day to get warm.
All I have to do is put on extra coats and gloves, which I have plenty of, and wait it out a couple of hours. Not too bad.
Sometimes, it takes something like no heat for a minute to make me realize how lucky I really am in comparision to some. I feel bad for being pissed my dad had to eat before rushing over here.
But I do wish they would hurry..............BRRRRRR.

jb

New Years Day................

2008-01-01T19:08:00.000-08:00

New Years Day. It's always a very important day in my life as it means I made it another year clean. Some years seem more special than others. This year, I couldn't quite grasp what I was feeling, nor was I trying to0 hard to figure it out. Just trying to let it pass.
I just returned from a meeting. That's when it hit me. 17 years clean. When they asked if any one had multiple years of clean time today, I walked up and got my keytag,sat back down and tried to stop the tears I felt coming. Tears of gratitude? Tears of sadness? Just tears. Sometimes there is no definition for them.
What I do know is I was thankful at that moment for the man who took me to my first meeting in a little church basement in Northeast Portland 17 years ago. Thankful that he drove me to one every day after that for months on end. Thankful that he let me cry and thankful that he watched me detox and told me I never had to feel that way again. He was right. I have not had to.
That same man snuck onto my porch last night and left me a gift. A plant, a balloon and a card. At first this struck me as odd and a little disturbing given the circumstances.
After much thought, I am no longer disturbed. But the tears continue to flow. Tears of gratitude ,tears of sadness or just tears so I know I am still alive, I do not know. But they won't stop.
The balloon waves around my kitchen and it reminds me too much of the man who took me to that first meeting. The man that told me everything would be ok if I just kept coming back.

jb

Another miracle.........

2007-12-19T18:17:00.000-08:00

It would appear there was nothing wrong at all with my friend. We got news today that they gave her another cat scan and things looked so good, they sent her home.
She literally went from ICU to home. Didn't even check into a regular room.
Literally, they cut open her brain, took out a 4cmx3cm tumor, stapled her up and sent her home the next day. Is this modern medicine at it's best or a miracle?
I am just dumbfounded. They say she looks great, has her vision, and was in great spirits. I am shamed for fearing the worse where this girl is concerned.
I don't know how long she can keep winning the war against this cancer, but it would appear she is kicking ass one battle at a time. It's almost unbelievable.
Anyway, this was all great news.

Does it feel like Christmas to anyone? It does not to me. I don't know if it's just that I spend so much time at work and we are all so burned out, or if the general public is losing interest in this Holiday. It's weird though. I am anxiously waiting to see my grandkids (who I miss terribly) on Christmas Eve. Other than that, it seems business as usual.

jb

Mixed emotions......

2007-12-18T21:53:00.000-08:00

My friend had her surgery today. We got the update at 1:00pm that they removed a rather large tumor out of her brain. They were hopeful they got the whole thing and the message was optimistic.
The huge risk of this surgery, due to where the tumor was located, was that she could lose her eyesight. "be blindsided" as Edie put it yesterday to me.
The friend who keeps us all updated via a webpage said she would send another update after they could see Edie. She said in about an hour. That was 9 hours ago and we have heard nothing. This friend has been faithful in her updates, as she knows so many of us are here waiting and praying. So, the fact that we have not heard anything is of concern.
I don't know what to think, but I do know something is wrong. I have that nagging feeling inside. I will go to sleep and hope I wake up to a new message, stating all is well.

One another note.. I just watched the best movie ever... "Once". I highly recomend it. A little Irish movie that was brilliant. The music was astounding and the message of the movie was thought provoking.
Even when there's not a happy ending, it is not always sad.

jb

Random things......

2007-12-16T13:31:00.000-08:00

I just spent my kicker check! Bought myself an airline ticket to Baltimore, MD.
Got great airfaire, so there's even enough left to buy groceries. This is a very good thing.
This will truly be my first traveling experience solo. My friend in Baltimore will be working most of the time, so I will be left to my own devices. I finally confessed to her I was a little nervous about it. She, being the good friend she is, put me at ease. For one, she told me it was about damn time I traveled alone and second, she gave me the rundown on the train to DC for daytrips. 7.00 and they run every hour! I can makde daytrips to museums etc and come back to her house in the evening. She is going to take me to NYC on one of the weekends. It would appear traveling alone can be a rewarding thing. She shared some of her experiences and tips for traveling solo. It feels so Mary Tyler Moore like.
I will leave in early March for 10 days. Seems along ways off......

I just found out my friend Edie is going in for another brain surgery on Tuesday. One of her tumors is not shrinking and is causing trouble and must be removed. She has has been having seizures.
I just went to Van Halen with her and I remember thinking how happy I was to be there with her and knowing that any time spent with her was a gift. I just know that eventually her body will lose the battle. I know one should not think like that, but it is reality. I will forever remember dancing with her on one side of me and my son on the other in the Rose Garden and I feel fortunate to have been there.
I don't know if the Universe is going to see her through this one or not, but I pray for a Christmas Miracle for her......
jb

Hundreds of Santas.........

2007-12-08T21:54:00.000-08:00

I took a little break at work today. As I was coming back, I rounded the corner and couldn't believe my eyes. There were hundreds and hundreds of Santa Clauses parading down the sidewalks. They stretched about four blocks or more. They were dressed in different varations of Santa, but they all had the red suits. It was the most random thing I have ever seen. They were singing and passing out little trinkets and hugging people. This really wasn't a kid friendly type of thing. They were a scrappy crowd. There were some sexy santas, some trashy santas, one santa in a black suit, and several of them had odd accessories with their suits.
I really can't even describe the scene. I don't know who they are or what their puprose was, but it was a hoot. I had to call up to my office and make everyone come out. My friend got a pair of yellow sunglasses and a plastic eyeball from one of them.
It was one of those things that you knew you were seeing, but you knew your mind would block it out at some point shortly thereafter.
Kind of like the guy walking the rooster at the park. You saw it, but your mind couldn't keep it.
We didn't even talk about it back in the office. It was like it didn't happen.
Very strange.
Well, it was Christmas in downtown Portland today and whoever they were, they made our day for about 15 minutes.
jb

Yoga.....a stretchy workout.

2007-11-27T20:59:00.000-08:00

Under the advice of my chiropractor I started a yoga class tonight. I have only done yoga once many years ago, so I wasn't sure what to expect. I can tell you one thing, those yoga people are very serious! I arrived early and tried to chat up a couple people to pass the time. No such luck. They only wish to talk Yoga. I meet the instructor and finally we get started. I wasn't sure I could do most of it, but surprisingly enough, I was able to do most of the class with minor discomfort. One and a half hours of poses I never heard of and stretching until my body started to tingle. ( I do not think this was a good thing). It is a very slow process, this yoga.
I found it slightly drawn out and I could not gather the concept of breathing through the balls of my feet, or many of the other things she instructed us to do. But I kept up and I must say it felt pretty good. I will return. I paid for three classes up front to commit myself. After class, I found it hard to use my hands. I was all rubbery. It uses every muscle you have.
I think it will be excellent for my back pain, so It can't be all bad and I did feel pretty relaxed and ready for sleep when I got home. So, I will not knock the yoga, but I do think the yoga people need to lighten up. And I could live without the chanting at the end. I wanted to start laughing, but I knew this would be disrespectul.
It did feel like every stereotypical Portlander was in this class. But I will keep a more open mind as these people bend a whole lot better than I do.
jb

My mother..........

2007-11-16T23:47:00.000-08:00

I went and saw my mother tonight. The purpose of this trip was to go through pictures for a memory book I am making for my step dad's 80th birthday.
After one of the worst days ever at work and battling Friday traffic to Beaverton, I arrive. I immediately go into a rant about work and traffic. I am looking at my mother standing in the kitchen and I notice how small and frail she appeared to me. I felt bad for my ridiculous rants. I wondered when she got so small. I asked her if she had lost weight, she said no.
We go to dinner. My mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease several years ago. There have never been visible signs so it's never really talked about. As I sat across from her I realize she cannot stop moving. Her head and upper body are moving about constantly. I asked her when this started, she replied some time ago. I realize it has been way too long since I have seen her. I also realize "it is happening". The dreaded effects of this disease are here. We talked about it. She said with a laugh, "I am just like Michael J. Fox". I do not laugh. I asked if it hurt, she said no, it's just irritating. I suddenly feel guilt. I'm not sure for what. I do realize over my sweet and sour chicken, that I am not a very good daughter to her. I'm really not. I don't call enough, I don't see her enough, and I don't know how to react to her moving about uncontrollably. We go back to her house and dig through pictures. Pictures of her at a healthier time, pictures of my step dad and all of his kids, pictures of me in the 70's and pictures of my daughter. Some of the pictures of my daughter flashed visions of my granddaughter through my head. I finally see it. The resemblance I never saw before. This is sweet to me. In my head I am finally connecting the dots between families.
My mother continues to bob around while we are digging through pictures. It's not real bad yet, but I know it will be.
As I look at my family in these pictures, I am sad for times gone by, but I am happy there are so many photos of weddings, camping trips, beach trips, siblings, cousins, grand kids, houses and pets.
I will compile all these memories into one book. I do not know why, but this process makes me a little sad. A family that once was so entwined, seems to have gone it's separate ways. Where I was once so connected, I now seem to be looking from the outside in.
I pray my mom will not get worse, but know that she will. I cannot quite process this.
I will instead focus on compiling the happy times into one book.
jb

Sanford and Son

2007-11-07T21:29:00.000-08:00

I just watched an episode of Sanford and Son. I havn't seen it for years. Man, oh, Man. It's hard to believe. A show like that could never be made nowadays. It is so politically incorrect. It is amazing that it once was on during prime time and we all watched it and thought nothing of it. Images of my father quickly fashed through my mind.
I'm going to admit though, I found it hysterical. Fred Sanford is absolutely a riot.

jb

The man behind the man........

2007-11-02T20:02:00.000-07:00

I went to a memorial yesterday. It was a family friend. Actually, there are several connections to this man. He is my stepbrother's ex wifes father, my good friend from high school's father, my niece and nephew's grandpa, and has remained a family friend for years. He was a great guy.
I always knew this. When you think of him, you just smile. He was always happy and loved everything about you and everything about life.
I just didn't realize how great he really was until yesterday. My nephew went up and read something he wrote to his grandpa. This man seriously was Grandfather of the century. So many things I discovered yesterday touched me deeply. The momento box they found of his and the things they found inside made me realize how geniune and good he really was. The picture show they played prior to the service was a man who truly loved his family and everyone else who crossed his path.
The minister advised us all to carry the spirit of him with us. To enjoy life as he did and to love family as he did. If I could pull off 1/10th of this man's goodness, I would be pleased.
I always adored him. I adore him even more knowing things I know. Rarely do we come across someone who is so geniune in his life. I amdire this greatly.
I know this man did not plant things in his "momento" box with any intention of anyone ever going through it when he was gone. They were things that were precious to him and it spoke volumes of him.
It got me to thinking about my momento box. I wonder what it will say about me when I'm gone. I can only hope I am viewed as half the person he was.
Rest in Peace Fritz..........

jb

Plastered on the internet........

2007-10-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

Much to my dismay, I have once again signed on to yet another dating site. I hate these sites for many reasons. I have managed to have one coffee date with someone I did not want to see again, and 3 dates with someone whom I did not want to see again, and I believe he did not want to see me again. (me crying on his back deck, might have been the deal breaker!)
But, not knowing what else to do, I signed up on a new one I had never heard of. As I look through the many pictures of people just as desperate as I, I get that same sick feeling. We are all plastering ourselves on the internet in hopes of something happening, yet most of us don't have the nerve to make anything happen.
Three people sent notice "they were interested" ( a nifty little tool that allows you to show interest without saying anything) I read their profiles and realize they are probally not for me. I sent out 2 interest notifications and two e-mails and have yet to hear back. I used to think I wasn't of interest to people, but I'm starting to think people just don't have the nerve to take the next step. It's not like meeting someone in person. You are being "viewed" by people online and it's just weird.
But, I have decided a bad date or two is probablly better than no date. It breaks the cycle and maybe will start the ball rolling. I don't know.
And as long as your face is plastered on the internet for someone to see there is always hope.....
I really would hate to have to say someday, "we met online" I would much rather say "we met in line at Starbucks, and it just went from there" but a girl has to do what a girl has to do, regarless of how much she hate the process.

jb

Therapy or Network TV?

2007-10-21T14:54:00.000-07:00

I think I need to be in therapy. Things I thought I had dealt with seem to be creeping back up on me.
This came to light when I watching Grey's Anatomy the other night. I found myself feeling just a little too much over a TV show.
I realize, what I thought I had forgiven, I have not. Because some things are just unforgivable. I have carried on as if I have forgiven someone. I allowed myself on several occasions to reenter someone's life because I had "forgiven".
I think you can forgive many things. I have forgiven my children the many things they have done to hurt me. I have forgiven my Father for things, and many others along the way, but some things really are just unforgivable.
And like it was said at the end of the show..
When you just can't forgive, the best you can hope for is to forget.

I feel some anger and sadness that hasn't been there in awhile, but somehow empowered that I really don't have to forgive.
It may sound weird, but realizing I do not forgive what has happened(over and over again) makes me feel somewhat normal in this situation. This is how I should feel. This is what may keep me from ever returning to the same situation. I know that forgivness can set us free, but sometimes false forgiveness or just wanting to forgive leads to stupidity.

Ok, who really needs therapy when we have shows like Grey's Atanomy to put it all in perspective?

jb

Stocking up for winter.......

2007-10-17T19:55:00.000-07:00

I think my seasonal shopping has begun. I don't mean Christmas gift shopping, I mean stuff for me. Every year at this time I start buying redicilous things I don't really need. I, just on a whim, ran and bought new flannel sheets. I had perfectly good flannel sheets, but they didn't match my new comforter I bought a few months back. I justified this purchase buy telling myself, "the grandkids are spending the night Sat. and they should have nice warm sheets to sleep on, (ones that match)
Next, it will be candles. I have enough allready, but I will buy more.
There is something comforting about flannel sheets and candles!
I will be drawn to Fred Meyers like a moth to the light.
Do other people buy things like this impulsively this time of the year?
It's some kind of nesting thing with me I guess. Everything just looks so much more appealing this time of the year.
Oh well, It's not like I'm taking the PGE money and buying stuff, so it's ok. And tonight, I am looking forward to sleeping on my new flannel sheets and how can that be bad?
jb

The rain is here..........

2007-10-07T21:19:00.000-07:00

What is it about the hearing the rain pour outside while you're in your house that is so pleasant?
I don't even want to go to bed, I just want to sit here and listen to the rain.
Check with me in November and see if I still like the rain, but for tonight I am enjoying it.
I wish I had a tin roof.
jb

Holding it together with the help of some crazy people....

2007-10-04T19:26:00.000-07:00

Well, the 12 hour days have arrived! I knew they were coming. The only good thing is that just means we are closer to the end of this god forsaken project. I'm no good at these kind of hours and stress. I had to tell my Implementation lady yesterday, "when you talk right now, all I am hearing is whah, whah, whah." I said "I must go home". A girl knows her limits. I don't think she knew what to make of that, but it was the truth.
So, today in a fit of stress, I venture downstairs to the main office to see what I can see. I visit my friend Edie. She says let's have lunch, I say "i'm free in December" She says " Dear God, I'm throwing out a prayer" Then she says to me "everyone needs a little Jesus in their pocket. I say yeah, ok.(thinking she is speaking metephorically) She says" no, really"and she pulls out a little Jesus out of her pocket. This puts me into fits of laughter. This is so random. I laughed until I cried. Truly I am losing it. And truly she is a crazed woman. ( not an overly religous woman either, which makes this all the more random and hysterical)
My project manager has told me to come down anytime and he will play the muppet song on his phone, which he discovered the other day makes me laugh.
So, this is what is holding me together, a little Jesus in the pocket and the Muppet song via cell phone.
You take what you can get......
jb

Candlelight circle.......

2007-09-27T21:14:00.000-07:00

This picture is so beautiful to me, I had to share it. It is our candlelight circle at camp.

It is probably one of the most sacred times of my life.

Another softball season ...........

2007-09-25T21:02:00.000-07:00

There are two more games left of softball season. Sadly enough, I am quite sure this is my last year on my team. This year the team kind of fell apart. My favorite teammate(and appearantly the glue of our team) went out for back surgery, a couple people quit, some new faces showed up and the whole spirit of the team went to hell. I do not like the new people and they have basically taken the team as their own as if the rest of us havn't been here for years.
My friend and I have decided to stick together and find a new team next year. We are softball buddies and I can't imagine playing without him.
You might think it is only a softball team, what's the big deal. Well, for me , playing softball on this team brought some life back to me after I was on my own. It was the first thing I did to bring myself out of my despair. I made new friends and learned how to have fun again.
But, it is time to move on.. and find a new team.
It's weird how sometimes things or people come into your life, bring you what you need, and then you move on. I used to have a real problem with that, but now I accept it.
So, next year I hope to find a fun team to join with my friend and continue to play a sport that I love. Because no matter what happens in my life, softball will always bring me joy.
jb

"Old School" is not a bad thing....

2007-09-15T09:41:00.000-07:00

Technically speaking, I am way out of touch. I still have Windows 98, a 35mm camera, and I don't own an Ipod. I have never gone to youtube and watched videos, and I don't even know how to burn a CD. (not that I could on my computer).
Sometimes, it bothers me that I have not kept up, but mostly I'm ok with it.
I just watched on the news some kid that installed a video camera in his car and then basically baited a cop to pull him over and have an altercation. The cop got way out of control, and the kid put the video on youtube where millions have viewed it and he is now on CNN.
I find this pathetic. This kid prearranged his 15 minutes of fame. The cop is now on suspension and the kid is somewhat a hero in the youtube world.
Nothing is by chance anymore.
I don't mean to be one of those "I walked 10 miles in the snow" kind of people. I believe in modernization and someday hope to upgrade my computer or buy a digital camera.
However,it is my belief that socially our society has gone to hell. Technology has it's advantages without a doubt. It allows me to put my rantings on my blog for one thing, but I see things getting kind of scary.
Soon, we will just be Stepford Humans walking around like Zombies. We will not know how to communicate without a device and noone will ask me how my day is going or wonder how the old guy on the corner became homeless. They won't know the girl who works at Starbucks just got married to a man with a 2 yr old child, or that the Lawyer on the 8th floor is kind of a racist or that the kid who works the U-scan at Fred Meyers hates his job. These are things that are only learned by conversing with people.
This may not be useful information, but does all information have to be useful?
jb

The magic continues...........

2007-09-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

Driving out of camp yesterday, I was apprehensive of returning to the "real world". It is always a surreal experience reentering regular life. Everything seems trivial, busy, and somewhat out of place.
I went to camp this year with the thought in my head that this would probably be my last year. On day one I wanted to get in my car and drive home. I just didn't think I could do it again.
Then, Sunday, the kids came. The familiar faces, the hugs, the community that instantly formed, captured my heart once again.
Two of the campers are pretty sick. This was quite apparent as soon as they stepped off the bus. Skin almost blue, lips the color of putty and a weakness in their bodies that made if hard for them to get around. My heart instantly broke. I also instantly recognized the courage these kids have. Suffering from this wretched disease known as Aids and still coming to camp where they know they will be safe and they will be loved. Words cannot explain what we all felt when we first saw these kids and the decline that had happened to them over the past year.
Camp was pretty dysfunctional this year and I saw allot of aspects of it that I did not like. It's hard to explain, so I won't bother. But the amazing moments overtook the dysfunctional ones.
I had 6 11-12 year old boys this year. This made my camp experience allot different than years past. I feel in love with each of them.
We played games, we swam, we paddle boated, we picked blackberries and made a pie, we skipped, danced, sang, laughed until we almost peed, sang along to Johny Cash in the arts and crafts room, confessed our camp crushes, dressed up, ate too much candy, got told hysterical bedtime stories each night in my cabin by one particularly imaginative 12 yr old, and shared another week with each other that no words can capture.
The last night of camp we do a candlelight circle and each person says one word that represents camp to them. As I stood next to two fellow counselors whom I have grown to love with all my heart, our arms tightly wrapped around each other, the tears flowing , I could not sum it up in one word, I needed two..... "Forever Friends".
To realize camp is better because the three of us are there, and our lives our better because we know each other, I knew I would be back.

One of my favorite camp memories was while I was out paddleboating with my boys. The young female lifeguard was wipping around us in her boat, and in her boat was the camper whose skin is almost blue. His body is ravaged by a horrid diesease. He had on a down coat even though it was 80 degrees, his body so frail, and on his face was the biggest smile I have ever seen.
She was giving him the gift of love, fun, acceptance and freedom because she knows nothing else.

My heart will continue to be filled with the memories of these kids and adults and a very magical place known as "Camp Starlight."

jb

Off to Camp.................

2007-08-23T22:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I am off to camp in one more day. Camp is so weird to me. Just preparing for it is an emotional task. It's hard to explain.
I thought I had 8 to 10 yr old boys this year. A nice age. I found out today I have the 11-13 yrs old boys instead. This is a whole nother ball game. This is a challenging age of kids. If they don't like you, you're screwed. I think I'll buy some extra candy.

Once again, we were asked to bring a sacred item. We did this last year. I come to realize, I don't really have any "sacred" items. How many years in a row can you bring something that is sacred to you and share about it?
I finally decided on my favorite picture of my kids. They are about 6 and 8 and they are asleep on each other's shoulders. It is my favorite picture in the whole world. It might be nice to have it at camp.

I'm anxious to see what this year at camp brings. Each year there is something new. The emotions and the perspective you experience are unbelievable. I always seem to be in a funky spot in my life when I go to camp. This year is no different.

I'm hoping I can let go of it all and focus on the experience. I need to put my outside life away for a week. We are in our own little world at camp. It feels like this far away place where noone knows where we are.
And this year, I'm hoping to capture that damn flag.
jb

Paper or Plastic? Neither, thanks...........

2007-08-20T19:10:00.001-07:00

I'm forever pondering the paper or plastic question. I switch them up depending on my need.
The plastic bags I use to take my lunch to work. Paper to sort my recycling.
I need no more paper or plastic!! And I always have the dilema that both are using resources up and isn't there a better way?
Lo and behold I come home today to a coupon in the mail from Fred Meyers. They are offering 3 large reusable shopping bags for free! Now, I have always kinda made fun of people that use these. Somehow I associate these bags with Birkensocks, dirty hair and vegans who look so frail I wonder how they even carry their bags. They are for Trader Joe shoppers, not a Fred Meyer girl like me!
Well, I am rethinking my evil thoughts.......
It is the perfect solution to my overpopulation of bags in my house and it is the right thing to do! I'm actually quite impressed with Fred Meyers for taking this step.
So, I will add myself to the population of earth friendly people and go get my free bags. My apologies for all my bad thoughts to those of you who have taken this step long ago. You were doing the right thing long before the right thing came to me by way of a "free" coupon.
Whatever it takes to get us there...........

jb

On the road again.....

2007-08-13T20:58:00.001-07:00

Well, I am off to lovely Cerritos, Ca again tomorrow. I just packed in about 20 minutes. It was weird. My small suitcase is only about 1/2 full. This has never happened. I figured it's because I am only packing for business, no fun this time. Who cares what you wear in a class? There was just no thought to it at all. Maybe all this travel will rid me of packing disease.

I am actually happy to be away from the office for 3 days though! I think I might check out the hot tub at the hotel this time. I could use a little stress relief.
Cerrito's dosn't offer too much. You can shop, eat, and go to Starbucks. That's about it.

I'm traveling with my boss, which will be interesting and slightly awkward. I told her I would try to behave. (read: not get mouthy with the security people when they tear apart my backpack)

I will have to put my usual self on the shelf. I think she finds me a bit much sometimes.

Looking forward to coming back home allready!! I have a peanut buster parfait to look forward to.

jb

Hilary Clinton...

2007-08-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

I am truly starting to believe that Hilary Clinton will be our next President. I really do. I know she has the democrat side won, and I just think the "right wing conservatives" arn't as strong as they were our last election.
People are seeing Right wing republicans pass laws that ban the very things they are doing in their private lives, they are seeing the lies, the hypocrosy, the "war on terror" that is costing us billions in dollars and thousands in lives, and seeing the overall hell this administration has gotten us into. I know lots of die hard conservatives that our getting fed up with it all.
I have been listening alot to Hilary. I truly admire her outspoken ways. I love that she apoligizes to noone. She stands true to her words (in my opinion.)
The mere thought of having a woman for President and having one as strong as her pleases me greatly. I will not vote for her because she is a woman however, I will vote for her because I believe she will make a great President.
It's going to be an intersting next year and a half.
jb

Camp Starlight........

2007-08-04T15:37:00.001-07:00

Seems like only yesterday that I was writing about camp coming up; but that was a year ago!
Well, it is once again looming upon me. I found myself actually dreading it this year. I have so much going on with work and I feel like I'm never home and I have to go out of town for business again soon. My lawn needed to be mowed, I havn't bought groceries in forever, and overall I feel like my life is in disaray. I really wanted to bail on camp.
The thought of an emotionally and physically draining week at camp was just sounding more like a burden than a joy. "I don't have time to go to camp!" I just kept telling myself. "I have too much to do."
So, while at work going over deadlines yesterday, someone asked about my vacation and where was I going? I told them about camp and they replied how great it was that I gave up my vacation for such a nice cause. (the usual response)
My reply was "it's the one time I give back". This was the realization I needed.
Camp is not about me! It is about the kids of Camp Starlight. There is nothing in my life that is so critical that it can't be put aside to be with these kids for a week.
Yes, camp would go on without me, but if a bunch of me's bailed, where would those kids be?
I was reminded in my head of those kids, the candlelight circles, the skipping around the dining hall when someone screams at you to do just that, the circle ups every morning where the kids share their feelings or funny thoughts, the tears, the hugs, the bonds, the taking kids to "club med" to take their medication. The escape those kids are given for one week because of camp, is something I cannot put ahead of my own life.
I was suddenly reminded of our purpose at camp. How selfish of me to think my own life was too chaotic or stressful to attend camp this year.
Those kids are living with, or being affected by, a terrible disease every single day. Suddenly, I felt redicilous of my looming dread.
So, with my newly found perspective, I am looking forward to camp. I will skip around the dining hall when asked to, I will wear some crazy outfit with a feather boa, I will share tears with kids and fellow volunteers, I will sing songs under the moonlight, I will play an instrument in the Starlight Morning band , I will get beat to hell playing capture the flag, I will cheat playing kickball, and I will give my full attention and love to the kids of Camp Starlight.
To do otherwise, is unthinkable.
jb

Vacations are fun..............!

2007-07-31T17:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I am home again. It felt like I was gone for a month. Los Angeles was pretty damn fun though. I had the best tour guide in my friend. She knew how to manuever that city like nobody's business, which got us too all the places we needed to see.
First stop, some little Mexican stand on the side of the road, which had the best tacos I have ever eaten. The joy of traveling with someone who knows a city is they know all the little places you would never think to stop at. Second stop was the old house of my dear friends who used to live there. It gave me a little insight into their lives prior to me knowing them.
I ate at at fun places, walked on the beach, sat in a giant Catholic Cathedral and crossed myself with holy water. (just to see what it felt like, as I am not catholic) , got homesick and was taken to a place where you pick the cookies and the ice cream and they put it together in a sandwich for you for 1.25. It appearantly is the cure all for the blues. It worked wonders.
I placed my hands into Johnny Depps handprints, delighted to realize we have the same size hands. It was purely a magical moment. We drove up Muholland Drive until the pavement stopped and then drove miles more on the dirt to the best view of the city I had seen.
I bought four CD's at the best record store in the world and the final stop of our trip before hitting the freeway home, was of course, the La Brea Tar Pits. Quite a natural wonder that cracked me up.
So, now I am home. Work is getting worse by the day. I have put in 11 hour days this week, which for me is quite a stretch. There are many more of these to come.
I feel trashed. This might be my punishment for splashing holy water on myself as though I had the right to do that.
jb

My first business trip.....

2007-07-23T21:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I am off to LA tomorrow. Everything for 6 days in one medium size suitcase! It truly is an accomplishment for me. One med. suitcase and a backpack over my shoulder and I'm good to go.
I feel as I have left nothing I did not want to bring either. It may be a turning point in my life.

I'm not looking forward to the three days of training, but am looking forward to the rest of the time toodling around LA. And, the best part is, both Hotels I am staying in have those fancy beds. I forget what they are called, but they sound Heavenly. (maybe that's what they are called) . Nice bed, and food paid for. I cannot complain.

I somehow think I'm going to be homesick though. I never get homesick, and I am feeling a little aprehensive tonight about leaving. I hope it's not a premonition. When does one get homesick prior to leaving for a trip"?It is ludicrious.

But off I go regardless. ................... I think it will be a much needed escape.
jb

The Warriors

2007-07-17T21:20:00.000-07:00

Let me take you back to 1979. I was a sophomore in high school. This movie called "The Warriors" came out. It was the most bad ass movie any of us have ever seen. I watched it a zillion times. We quoted phrases from it constantly. We dreamed of what it might be like to be in a New York Gang and have to fight our way back to our home turf. When The Warriors finally made it back to Coney Island and stood at the surf's edge and "the song"(somewhere out on that horizon, way beyond the neon signs) played, we felt we had fought every fight right along with them. Truly it went down in history as the most kick ass piece of film ever created.

Now, let me bring you to 2007. I have been thinking about that movie for about a year. After it came up in conversation again today, I had to go rent it. I was so excited. I was going to watch the most kick ass movie ever created. I I settled in for what I just knew was going to be a great hour and a half of movie watching.

After the movie ended, I thought to myself, "that was one crappy movie". What were we thinking? I had to laugh that it really was a great movie in 1979. In 2007 it sucked. It got me thinking how times change. What we consider kick ass today, dosn't quite compare to then.
I must say I felt a little cheesy for a minute.

Pop Culture changes with the years and some things are just better left alone.
It's like when you see Cheap Trick at the county fair. You shouldn't have done it. You want them to be as great as they were at the Paramount 20 years ago, but they arn't. This can become your last memory of them, and that is sad.

I think the next time I want a kick ass movie, it will have Wil Smith or Bruce Willis in it.

So sad, 1979 is gone. 2007 is here. The trick is to embrace the times you are in and not try to relive things gone by. You can't go back.

jb

There's no crying at work...... or is there?

2007-07-11T20:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I hate to write about work again, but I'm going to. Had a phone meeting today with our payroll company. We went over training for the project, what's expected when etc. The more that was laid out, the more overwhelmed I was getting. After the phone call, I was left in the office of our project manager( who is of a much higher level than I). We were talking and I could feel it happening. I am saying over and over to myself, "don't cry, don't cry, don't cry". Then the eyes filled up and it was over. The tears started flowing. He handed me kleenex. He knew immediately what was wrong. Overwhelment. He assured me we were a team and that this was not my burden alone and we would take it step by step and the more I got into things the more at ease I would become. He said all the right things. I felt stupid, yet relieved that they knew. I assured them I would not be in the corner in the fetal position crying for the next 4 months. That I would be there for them. They said they knew I would. And If I needed to cry or release stress, please do it here and not in front of your dept.
So, day one and I'm allready crying. I leave for LA for training in a week and a half and we will be off and running after that.
I gotta pull it together man.
I had to go to the Accounting Dept and eat some of their cookies after my cry. Thank gawd, those people always have food. One needs a little food after a cry.
jb

Willie Nelson

2007-07-01T17:37:00.000-07:00

I was at Starbucks today and they were playing Willie Nelson. I promptly went up to the counter and saw his CD sitting there, so I purchased it.
I forgot just how great Willie Nelson is. It is playing right now and it is just very pleasant.
Even the young kid at Starbucks was saying he was going to buy it too. I think Willie is good for everyone.
It makes me want to go camping with my family. I'm not sure why.
His music puts me in a good space.
Here's a little fact.... Willie Nelson kissed me once. I went to see him in concert and afterwards, he was signing autographs out by his bus. He signed my ticket and kissed me! He was so cool, and I remember he smelled really good. (one might think otherwise)
I remember slow dancing in the aisle during his concert. It is a good memorie.
Willie is all things good.
jb

A one person celebration.............

2007-06-26T18:04:00.000-07:00

So, here's another dissappointing thing about living alone. When something great happens during your day, there is no one to celebrate it once you get home. I have decided that I will have to learn to celebrate my successes on my own. This is hard to do. Do I take myself to dinner? Do I buy myself a gift? Do I just get a good feeling inside and let it be?
I would much rather have someone be here to say "wow, that's cool, let me take you to dinner", but at this time that's not going to happen. This is ok. I had a moment of sadness for it, but it has passed. Not everything in life has to be shared I suppose. If I was still in therapy she would say "what makes it so hard for you to celebrate your successes by yourself?, why do you feel you need someone to share them with in order to validate them?" this would put me in great thought about what's wrong with me, and I would come to the conclusion that it is because I am human. Nothing more. I don't think there is more to it. People need people.

I had my review today. I was all prepared when she turned over that paper with my increase on it, to say "we need to talk about that". I had a number in my head that if it was below that, I would have to muster up the courage to say something. Well, I didn't have to. It was above what I was willing to accept. I believe they are paying me more to keep me planted during this 4 month project, because the "project" came up alot in the review. Either way, I am finally making a salary that makes me feel like a grown up! There was always a number in my head that I had to surpass to feel like I might be making it. Today put me past that number, and it feels pretty good. Will I order a pizza? Will I buy a new dress? I don't think so. I think I'll just keep plugging along and be secure knowing the plugging just got a little easier.
jb

Regrouping...........

2007-06-22T17:47:00.001-07:00

I guess my overwhelment is starting to show. Today, as I am talking (complaining) to my boss about this project we're starting, she looked at me and said, "maybe next week we can throw a pity party for ourselves".
I took this as a cue that my attitude was less that "can do" in her eyes.
So, I am going to try to get myself under control. I did manage to fax off phase 1 of 100,000 of this thing today, so it's a start.

Perfectly timed, I got an e-mail today from my very dear friend who has moved out of town and I have not seen in about a year. He put out an invite to come see him tomorrow and go to a blues/bar-b-q festival. He lives in Stevenson, Wa. This is perfect. A nice long drive up the gorge tomorrow will do me some good. Seeing him will do me even better. I miss him. A day out of the city and spent with a good friend is always refreshing. Eating some bar.b.qued swine and listening to blues never hurt anybody either.

I think the times spent with old friends is what somehow keeps us sane and reminds us that there are pieces of life that are nice. Not everything is a "project" or a "to do list".
Sometimes the universe helps me out and reminds me of that.

jb

blah, blah, blah...............

2007-06-20T17:50:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess what it takes to motivate me, is to get help. My son came over Sat and he did a bunch of stuff in my yard. The ivy is cut, the gutters are clean, and bushes are cut back. This motivated me to buy and plant some flowers. I feel a little better now. There is still alot to do, but he has promised to come back and finish sometime soon. At least my little deck seems a bit cheerier now with a few flowers.

My job is killing me. We are just gearing up for a four month long project. I am so busy doing my regular stuff, that I can't even get to what I should be doing for the project itself. The first step is due Friday and I have barely looked at it.
It is going to be a challenging next few months with a bunch of long hours.
It is redicilous the amount of work that is coming through my office. I don't understand how companies allow people to be pushed to that limit. It's bullshit. I don't mind working hard at all, but there comes a point where you just become this machine. I am going to give this project my all, because if I do a good job and all goes well, it will be a huge accomplishment for me personally and professionally.
However, if things don't get better after that, I know I cannot stay. I am not designed to work like a friggin dog every day and be thinking about my job while I am home. I have even woke up in the middle of night a few times in a panic over work. This will not do.
Some people thrive on being successful at their job, and while I want to do good and be successful, it is not what defines me. I find myself slipping over to the dark side and I promised myself years ago, I would never be that person. So, I think in the next six months or so, I will have some choices to make if things don't change.
I am watching people leave my company, and I know why; they just can't do it anymore.

The "bait shop" has become a metaphor for the life I will one day have.

Until then, I will continue this corparate madness, because it pays my bills, and it's what I have to do for now. It makes me really sad though.

But, the lilies bloomed today on my deck, so I guess not all is bad.

jb

What does it take to motivate me?

2007-06-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

I am not really a lazy person by nature. So, why is it that I have a million things to do in my yard and can't seem to get motivated to do any of it? My yard is kept up to some degree ( nobody driving by would make comments either bad or good). But I have way too many weeds, bamboo and ivy that is taking over, I havn't planted any flowers yet, and a chunk of my side yard needs sod put down. Everytime I sit on my porch I contemplate these things. Today, I even went to Home Depot garden Center. I walked around and left empty handed. It all seems too much. I even tried to rationalize it yesterday by telling myself; what does it matter? once I die in 40 years all my yardwork will mean nothing. Why do we always have a "to do" list? This bugs me. All it does it make me feel guilty for not finishing the list. I want to say screw the to do list, but this isn't really right either.
I did manage to try to kill the mole that has been tearing up my yard. I tried the poison, this only seems to give him more energy to dig more holes. So, upon advice, I bought these sticks that you light and shove into the holes. I felt somewhat bad that some creature was down there breathing in the toxic gas and dying a horrible death. I see no new holes today, so I'm guessing it might have worked.
So, I"m not motivated to plant flowers, but I was motivated enough to kill another living creature. Oh, the guilt is immense.
jb

What a day..........

2007-06-01T18:24:00.000-07:00

It has been one long day. My step father went in for a routine procedure yesterday and wound up in open heart surgery today. Quadruple bypass. It was a 6 hour surgery that I am happy to say went well. It was odd to see my mother so frail and scared today. It broke my heart. He will recover fine I know, but it was still a bit scary.
I spent 6 hours with my family in the waiting room. I am the only liberal of my entire family. They are staunch, right wing,Republican,Christian, closed minded individuals, who think I am something of an abnormal human being. It all started with the Bible sitting on the table in the waiting area. I said, "Why is it only the Christian Bible that is available? My step brother says, "what else would there be?" I say oh, I don't know, what if someone is a Bhudist? Why is there no book here for their spiritual comfort? He says "there is only one book, and that is the Bible" Well, that started me off. For the next 6 hours there were many debates/arguments/people leaving the room/jokes etc. I could not believe the things they were saying or what their beliefs are. Unfuckingbelievable that I come from the same family. It was about 8 against one, but I held my own. When I said I was voting for Hilary, they all freaked out. Literally. They all agreed an intervention was in order for me.
But at the end of the day, we are still family. The conversations were to put to rest and we all went to dinner. Before dinner we all raised our glass in a toast to the very man who brought us together today, My stepfather, their dad, my mom's husband and my nieces grandfather. It's nice to know no matter what our beliefs or how wacky and fucked up they think I am and vice versa we all come together when it matters.
I feel a little emotional for my parents tonight. My stepfather with all the tubes and wires coming out of him, and for my mother who has to go home tonight without him.
It'a an uncomfortable feeling for me.
jb

Just some more rambling thoughts from jb.......

2007-05-29T20:56:00.000-07:00

Why is it that the thought of people reading my blog makes me nervous? (my current two, sometimes three readers aside)
I have had a few people ask for my blog address and I refuse to give it to them. I mean really, these are my rambling, sometimes dark, sometimes redicilous thoughts and insights. Do I want others to read them? I fear people will think I'm a dork. Which I am, but I don't have to advertise.
So, today, I get an e-mail from an aquaintance in California, he asks how my blog is going. I tell him, pretty lame lately, but I'm hoping to pick it up. I tell him I'll send him the address. Then I wonder, would someone who dosn't know me well really want to read this? Are my thoughts worthy of sharing? I have no idea. For some reason, I feel ok with this person reading it though. He's good people and I'm pretty sure he would not leave nasty, ridiculing comments.
I wish I had one of those blogs that people tell other people "man, you gotta check out this blog!" But clearly, mine is not one of those. (hence, the two, sometimes three readers)
My ex husband is dying to get my blog address. He has asked several times. This will never happen. I'd sooner poke my eye out. But, maybe an expanded readership would lead by blog back to it's more intersting origin..... or not....., either way, it's all just rocks skipping accross the water.
jb

Polka dots are fun...........

2007-05-25T21:08:00.000-07:00

Every since I have lived on my own, I have bought completely new bedding about twice a year.
Today was the day. There is something theraputic and fun about having all new sheets, comforter etc. So, one trip to Target and way too much money later, I walked out with a "bed in a bag" Everything all in one bag! Today's choice was giant polka dots of various blues, greens and brown. Very chic, very hip, very cool. I love my new bed. The only thing that would make my new bed better is maybe a sleep over partner to marvel at my new sheets, but hey, "if you build it, they will come"
(no pun intended... or was there?)

Anyway, it was a nice pick me up. But now I can feel I have just started a spending spree. See, that's how it goes, I buy something cool, and then I get the bug. I need more cool stuff. I will do this for a couple days, then I will be done for several months.

My little house needed something new though, so it's all good.

Well, that's it for me, new bedding and three days off. It could be worse.

jb

Living the dream, or waiting for the dream to happen?

2007-05-16T21:45:00.000-07:00

So, I am now settled into the big office. I find myself looking out into the office wondering what everyone is doing or saying.
Now, in order to stay connected, I have to remember to walk out there and check on everybody. I will now have dept. meetings every Monday morning.
It's true, the "office" does give you a little edge and just a bit more respect than the cubicle ever could. People are now asking me what my schedule looks like for tomorrow, do I have time to meet with them? I laugh inside.
I day dreamt about my bait shop/coffee shop/bookstore at the beach today. I just know I would be so more comfortable in that environment.
Corporate life is something I really dislike and I am so smack in the middle of it.
While I am grateful for a really good job, I still cannot wait until the day I hang the sign on the door that says "Gone Fishin'".
Noone will ask me if I'm free for a meeting,or can I get a report done by 10.
The only dress code will be whatever I feel like wearing that day, and the fact that the report guy is quitting to work for the Scientology people and my workload just increased by 1/2 of what he does, will no longer be my latest nightmare.
And that my friends, will truly be my American Dream.

jb

Time does not stand still.......

2007-05-10T16:42:00.000-07:00

I woke up today and realized that I have just wasted four years of my life. This hit me like a tornado. Four years almost to the date. That time was not well spent and I am four years from where I should or could be in my life. It freaked me out. I remember saying "it's been a year"
then, "it's been a couple years" today, it was like OH MY GAWD!
I am not at all happy about my situation. Had I made different decisions four or even 2 years ago, I wonder where I would be. I doubt I would be sitting here with tears streaming down my face wondering what the fuck has happened to my life.
People tell me "you're strong, you've pulled throught this". Bullshit.
I realize that life has moved on in many ways without me.
I have done alot in some ways. Let's see, there was the three years of counseling, the endless goodbyes, and the all too familiar "i'm moving on" speeches, I've hurt my family, my kids,
and caused countless people to shake their head in disbelief. All in the name of love.
Two years or so ago, I put all these little inspirational sayings around my house. I spent hours gluing, cutting, and making them pretty. They were to help me be brave and to find strength. That was two or more years ago. I see them now, and think of where I was when I made them. I was in the "crying" apt. desperately trying to glue my life back together. Today, I read a couple of them, and just felt like throwing up.
I look at my Johny Depp poster. The first thing I bought for myself after I moved into my apt. It was an act of independence. I look at the poster now, and think Johny would be dissapointed.
I have pictures I have put out, put away, tore up,locked up, now I look at my pictures that are out and I'm like "who are these people?"
I look at my some of tatoos and each one represents something significant in my life. There's the sun with the ying/yang symbol. It was my, "Im divorced, please liberate and empower me" tatoo. I remember the artist telling me as I lay crying on his bed, "you are going to come in here in a year, so over everything. You will ride up on a Harley for your next tatoo. See you in a year" He was very cool to me. He told me I need a turkey sandwich.
Then there's the moon, that was for reasons even I can't say out loud. But at the time significant.
The lady who tattoed me was preganate. I somewhat regret that tatoo. It means nothing to me now.
I have the "Shalom" plaque hanging above me given to me by a very dear woman. Given to me to bring me peace in my time of turmoil. I remember the day she gave it to me and what she said. The plaques, the sayings, the tokens of help are long gone, as they should be. Everything has it's time and like I said, Life has moved on somewhat without me.
Today, everything in my house looks old and stale. The pictures, the bat by my bed, mine and Brian's stuffed animals sitting on my dresser, the hourglass I bought as a joke to time myself while I am talking, all of it just looks tired.
All the things placed in my home to bring me comfort or to cherish a memory now suddenly look out of place. I want to box every single thing up and put it out on the street. Let them serve their purpose for someone else.
I have prayed so many times looking for the answer, asking for help, guidance, clues anything. Each time, the same thing presented itself to me. Oh, this must be my answer I would think.
Why else would God keep bringing this to me. I guess I misunderstood. Either way, I'm done praying for now.
Today, it seems four years of emotion are leaking out of me. I cannot stop it. It is the great purge. It is such a realease of emotion, that is seems almost cruel to be happening. No one human being should be put to task like this.
I can no longer call people up and say this is what I'm going through. The words are old and used up.
So, I turn to my blog where I can write and since nobody reads it really, I am fairly safe.
All I know is I woke up today and panicked really bad. I felt shame, I felt heartsick, and I felt fear.
I think the whole four years is coming out of me now. Get the buckets, it's going to be a long night.

jb

I got nothing...........

2007-05-04T17:02:00.000-07:00

My poor blog is suffering. It seems nothing is blog worthy this last week or so. Work has been consuming me and that certainly isn't blog worthy. (although, I am days away from that office)
However, I was also told "don't get too comfortable up there" Which only means, either they are going to move me again, or the person saying it is pissed I'm getting an office. It easily could be either one.
Oh, here's happy news... My friend Edie (brain tumors removed, Edie) is coming back to work Monday!!!! This is nothing short of a miracle. She will not be up to full speed, but she'll be back.
I must say I couldn't be happier, one to have her alive, and two, it is very comforting to me to know she is at the end of the hall.
Well, until something better comes along, this is all you get.
This is jb signing off............
jb

Mindless ponderings............

2007-04-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

Things that baffle me:

1. Suicide Bombers
2. The girl in the City Liquidators furniture commercial
3. White Jeans
4. People that don't like Hockey
5. People that don't like David Sedaris
6. Why there is nothing on TV on Saturday nights
7. Why I am home on Saturday night
8. Why super rich people don't donate more of their money to help others
9. Why is hunger such a problem in our world while others have so much in their fridge they can't decide what to eat?
10. When power goes out, why is just after you went grocery shopping?
11. Why do most single people not eat vegetables?
12. Why do dogs like to hump human legs?
13. Why do small children always act better around people other than their parents?
14. Why people with Political Science degrees always seem to work at coffee shops or are unemployed
15. Why does the sound of my own voice on my phone message disturb me?
16. Why do I sometimes want to floor the gas in my car and ram into whatever is in front of me?
17. Why my dad is so unhappy
18. Why does the knowledge I will inherit a little bit of money when my father passes, make me wonder how many years he has left? (sorry, that's sick, but It had to be said)
19. why can I watch the four final episodes of America's next top model and get up and walk out of the room right before they announce the winner.
20. Why is there not a reverse button on regular phones, so when you push a wrong number you can just back up and push the right one instead of hanging up and starting over?

The African Children......

2007-04-26T17:43:00.000-07:00

I wish I was wealthy. Well, at least somewhat financially secure. If I was, I would travel to Africa and give my time to the little African Children and mothers affected by poverty and Aids.
Some years back, people affected with HIV/AIDS became my calling. I'm not sure if this is due to how lucky I feel not to have contracted the disease given my past life style, or what, but it is where my heart feels my time needs to be spent.
Watching "Idol gives back" last night really got me. I know there are plenty of people in America that need help. Yet, there is something about the African people that call my name. The massness of Aids there is overwhelming and heartbreaking. Knowing there are 12 yr old children fending for themselves is more than I can take. The children and mothers seem to have a strength within them in spite of the hell they live. Mothers taking in children that arn't even hers and feeding them and loving them even though she can barely feed her own, is so amazing to me. Some of them will die anyway in spite of her couragous efforts.
I wept last night as I have many times over the years. Aids is a horrible way to live and a worse way to die.
I ache to hold those children and to love them, and I cannot. It is troubling to me that I cannot do what I feel I was meant to do. I have my own reality, and that is I cannot just pack up and go to Africa. Someday, maybe the opportunity will come for me.
So, I do what I can here. It is not enough. I think of all the children of Camp Starlight and I am happy that it is there for them. It provides a refuge for them and provides an outlet for me and for what I know I have to do in this life.
I need to do more. We all need to do more. Why arn't we? When people tell me "oh, that's so great you do that camp thing" I want to say back to them, "Thank you, and what are you doing?"

jb

Just for today............

2007-04-24T19:47:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking alot about my daughter lately. She has herself in yet another unfortunate situation. I keep thinking things are going to get better for her and somehow they do for a minute and then she ends up right back where she is now. I asked her today in good humor, when does it stop with you?? And her response was "appearantly, never."
I was happy to see her though. She looked good. Clean clothes, hair done etc. And this is somehow comforting to me. She is still the funny, caring, great human being she has always been regardless if her life is in the tank right now. It's important for me to remember that and to see that. I am also amazed at how her friends stick by her no matter what. She received at least 5 calls the hour at my house. friends checking on her, telling her about their day etc. The friendships do not waiver regardless.
The worry I have as a mother right now is immense. I think of her constantly; praying somehow the light comes on for her. Everyday, I wait for a phone call with some horrible news that I cannot bear.
It is getting tiring. You get to a place in your life where you hope your kids are doing well, and the worry can stop.
But, just for today, she is ok. She has eaten, was productive today, and managed to remind me that she is my daughter no matter what. I will be more than happy when she gets to a place where she is not the focus of my thoughts.
This is not where I hoped to be at 43 yrs old. But here I am.

jb

Out of the Restaurant mix.............?

2007-04-18T17:34:00.000-07:00

So, I am moving up to the 6th floor in 3 weeks, where I will be granted an office of my own. This is quite exciting. I have a door and 2 windows. I have always wanted this, and now I guess my wish is granted.
However, I am learning to love the Restaurant industry in which I work. By moving my dept upstairs, it is going to feel just like any other office? We will be isolated from the rest of the office on the 5 floor. We will no longer be a part of the atmosphere of downstairs. Even though we are the headquarters for our restaurants, and not an actual Restuarant, there is till the Restaurant buzz going on all the time. There is always talk about Chefs, Sous Chefs, GM's, service, new menu items etc. There is always flatware and food samples laying around given to us by vendors, always talk about the new restaurant that is opening, which fish dish works and dosn't work, what our favorite deserts are etc. Menu's come in daily , promotional boards of upcoming events are always in the mail room. Sometimes our regional Chef puts on his crisp white Chef's jacket and films a commerical in our board room. I love those Chef's jackets!
It is an office with personality. A restaurant industry personality.
I feel amungst the "people" now, and I am afraid moving upstairs where it is just HR and Payroll, that atmosphere is going to change. Will we still talk about banana cream pie and parmasean crusted sole? will the Chef's pop up to say Hi when they come through? I'm not sure.
So,I'm thinking my new space comes at a price. I'm also guessing I will have to put up a bigger picture of Bobby Flay and Anthony Bourdain in my new office.

jb

No Thank You.......

2007-04-13T15:58:00.000-07:00

I was watching two small children last night. The older one kept messing with the little one.
She was squirting her with the squirt gun, taking her toys etc. The little one says in the cutest voice ever, as she is getting squirted with water, "No thank you." She was serious as a heart attack. This was enough to let the older one know (with a little help from me) that she did not like that, and it needed to stop. It worked. Each time she said No Thank you, the torment stopped. It was great. It was communication at it's finest.

I think that would be great if that worked for us. When someone is doing something to us that we do not like, we could just say "no thank you", and it would stop.
I picture saying this an adult as someone is saying hurtful things to me; No thank you.
Some foul person downtown is harassing me, No thank you.
It just dosn't have the same ring to it, but I wish it were that easy to stop things you didn't want to happen.

I guess this only works when you are two, cute as a button, and it is 2 of the 15 words you say.

Sometimes, less is more. Children seem to be naturals at this. If only we could keep that simple communication going as we got older...............

It is something I work on constantly. (the less is more idea) I am getting way better, and I realize people listen better when you just get to the point and keep it simple. It has more impact.

They say "teach your children well" I think that works both ways.

jb

On being single........

2007-04-09T17:24:00.000-07:00

This is how being single goes for me..When I am sick, people always assume that I am helpless. Have I heard of Ny Quill? am I eating? Don't forget to get some rest. People are forever asking what I am having for dinner, do I eat vegetables? You really should you know. I love to tell them that I ate a pint of ice cream for dinner, then went straight to bed. This appalls them; but really only confirms what they think they know,"poor girl is a mess by herself."
The older ladies in my dept. are amazed that I bought a For sale by owner house all by myself. They kept telling me that I better be careful,it can be complicated. Well, I guess they wern't paying good attention when they bought their house with their husbands. I was.
When did being single equal being stupid?
This annoys the hell out of me, and feels very patronizing.
I do know people are just trying to be nice, but really, they don't know how redicilous their remarks can be.
Believe it or not, I know how to buy cough medicine, eat a meal, (which by the way I do most every day, sometimes a couple times a day.) I am smart enough to fill out house papers all on my own. I was more on top of it, then the guy selling the house. I filled out his portion too.
I can go to baseball games, mow my lawn, walk in my neighborhood,do my own taxes, drive to Bend, catch a bus, eat, and go lay on the couch and be sick, ALL BY MYSELF.
I am 43, have raised two kids,been married and divorced twice, lived through a nasty 15 yr. drug addiction, been clean for another 16 years, and maybe, just maybe, have learned how to do life.
Yes, things are alot nicer and easier when you have a partner, Yes, there are things like doggy doors, pest removal and dry wall that might require some back up, but believe it or not, I function ok.
No one ever cared if I ate vegetables, or knew where to buy cough medicine when I was married. I guess it was assumed marriage equals "well taken care of", or "of sound mind" Well, not always.
It is pretty damn lonely living alone and most days I hate the hell out of it, but it dosn't mean my garbage dosn't get emptied, or my walkways arn't pressure washed.
I ask for help when I need it, and go about my life when I don't. If my mother asks one more time if I've been eating, I'm going to tell her "no, I have not had a meal in four days, Please send help".
jb

Back to the basics......

2007-04-02T18:43:00.000-07:00

I have been taught that when you're in a place of no gratitude and you feel like your world is crumbling in on you, write a gratitude list. This is supposed to bring you out of your despair and put you in a place of gratitude for all you do have. I have not done this in a very long time. It's a part of my recovery that I know I should do, but just don't, so I decided to write one on my blog

My gratitude list:(things I am grateful for)
1.my recovery (which feels a litte sketchy at the moment)
2.a car that runs good
3. a warm house that is mine
4.clean clothes to wear
5.I have food and my basic needs are met
6. my job
7.a little money in the bank
8.children who love and somwhat respect me
9. Tony_C, The CEO, The kid and Z and their home
10.Family that cares about me
11.My softball team
12.My basic intelligence
13. I'm not part of the couple that was in my street last night yelling obsenities at each other at the top of their lungs while surely all amped up on meth.
14. My home is safe from abuse
15. I never wake up with a hangover
16. I do not hurt people anymore
17. I can eat ice cream by the gallons and not gain weight
18. I am getting my own office in a couple weeks
19. I have enough desire to do something about my the way I feel
20. My new softball glove

I have 20 things to be grateful for. This should make me feel better, but I feel like I am just going through the motions. But recovery is like that, sometimes you do what is suggested and you still feel like crap. But you make it through clean and it is part of the process. I was also taught to do the next right thing. In my case, this was the next right thing. I really wanted to go out and charge a new computer because I need one, but instead I chose to be still, do this, and continue to put one foot in front of the other.
I know if I do what is suggested that
"this too shall pass"

jb